Ep. 59: Stage 2 Truth Telling -"I Need You to Understand How Serious This Has Become"

If you've been hinting at how unhappy you are and hoping your spouse will finally connect the dots — this episode is for you.

In Stage One, you privately recognized something wasn't right. Stage Two is where that private knowing becomes a conversation. Not another argument about the dishes or the phone or who forgot what — but the real, direct conversation about what this has started to mean for you and for your marriage.

I'm walking you through what Truth Telling actually sounds like, why waiting to have this conversation changes it (and not for the better), and why "we've talked about this a hundred times" often means you've argued about the symptoms without ever naming what's underneath them. I'll also give you a simple framework for starting the conversation, what to watch for if you're the one hearing it from your spouse, and why the biggest risk here usually isn't the conversation itself — it's having it and feeling like it didn't matter.

If you don't know what stage you're in, take my quiz, Should We Get a Divorce? at kahoskins.com — link in the show notes.

Should We Get A Divorce Quiz: https://kari-hoskins-coaching-llc.kit.com/9e533cdd68

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Transcript

Hey there everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'm your host, Kari Hoskins, and we, my friends, are in the middle of a series about the six stages of the divorce decision. Now I created the divorce decision framework because the ultimate choice to stay in your marriage or leave it is almost never made in like one big dramatic moment. Most people move toward it slowly.

Slowly without even like recognizing or realizing that they're moving through a process at all. And if you don't know what stage you're at, you can definitely go find out by taking my free quiz Should we get a divorce? that should say should we get a divorce question mark. the link is in the show notes, or you can find it at kahoskins.com. I do talk about why understanding

what stage you're in is important for you to know. And I talk about why it's beneficial or how it can benefit you, I guess I should say, in episode 57. So if you've not listened to that episode, I really encourage you to go check that out. So last we talked about stage one, which is called a knowing. That's the quiet, private stage where you first really recognize and acknowledge that something is not right in your marriage.

You're incredibly lonely or disappointed or disconnected, but you haven't really said it out loud yet. So today we're actually talking about the next stage, which is stage two called truth-telling.

And I think it's really important to understand that these stages are not linear, even though of course I'm laying them out in a really linear fashion, but they're not neat and tidy. Most people will enter and exit a stage sometimes multiple times and circle back to it, or skip a stage entirely and then come back to it, or maybe delay it. Okay. And of all the stages, this is the one that people tend to.

Kari Hoskins (03:26.72)
Either delay or skip altogether until they're further down into stage five. And then when that happens, their spouse feels blindsided. So I really think that stage two is not just one of the more challenging stages, I think stage two and stage five are, but it's also one of the most important stages. So we're gonna talk about what the stage two thing actually is, why people delay it, and then why the

timing of this conversation changes everything about how the how your marriage goes and how the div the divorce decision whether to stay or go how that goes

So what is truth telling? Truth-telling is the moment when you finally directly tell your husband or your wife the seriousness of what you've been experiencing. Not just like the latest argument, not just the dishes or the phone or the budget or whatever it is that you all talk about, right? But the seriousness.

Of what it's starting to mean for you and for your marriage. So it is not about this list of grievances or list of complaints. It's about what those grievances or what those complaints mean to you. It's the impact or the effect that they're having on you. It's about what they represent. So it sounds like this is affecting how I see you. This is affecting how I feel about us. This is affecting

You know, the fact that I feel really alone in this marriage. I don't want to keep living this way. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to our marriage if we don't address this. Okay? That is really acknowledging the impact of all of those grievances or all those things you're unhappy about.

Kari Hoskins (05:26.813)
know the impact that those things are having on you. Okay. Now if you're doing stage two, I'm gonna say right in air quotes, it sounds like, hey husband, hey wife, I really need you to understand where I am before we go any further down this road, before it becomes too late. That is really what the gist of stage two when it's the most beneficial is really all about.

And so I think it's important to understand that the timing of this conversation really does make a difference. The longer you delay it, the more the conversation itself changes because you change while you're waiting.

Okay, so if you enter into stage two earlier in your unhappiness, the conversation might sound something like, you know, we have this problem and I think we need to work on it. Okay, or I'm starting to think we have, you know, A, B, and C as a problem, and I really think it's a good idea if we work on it. But if you drag your feet one year, two years, five years, ten years, what happens is you quietly move into those later stages.

And instead of, you know, we have a problem, I think we need to work on it, it starts to sound like, I don't know if I want to work on it. I don't know if we can turn this around. I don't know if I have anything left to give. Okay? Those are two completely different conversations.

And the second one is a much harder place to start from. And unfortunately, that's when people usually come and seek me out. They're starting from that second conversation, or that second version of the conversation, I should say, because the conversation wasn't had earlier in the relationship.

Kari Hoskins (07:20.639)
And you know, obviously this is really normal. I mean, people delay this conversation and they stay stuck because they don't want to hurt their spouse or they're afraid of their reaction. They don't want to deal with the anger or the defensiveness or the shutting down. Okay. Another reason really why people might stay stuck is maybe you think you've had the conversation when you really haven't. I hear this, my gosh, you guys, I hear this all the time. I shouldn't have to say this again.

I've complained about this for years. Okay, well and sometimes that's true. Your spouse may have minimized or brushed off what you've said.

But a lot of times, I'm just being honest here, a lot of times there's a gap between what you said and what you really meant, and then what your spouse actually understood. Okay. So a lot of times what you said is, I need more help around here, or something like that. What you meant was, I'm feeling completely alone, carrying this family, and I'm starting to resent you.

Okay, but you didn't say that last part. Or maybe you said, we never spend time together, and that's one of your things. And what you mean is I don't feel chosen by you anymore, and I feel like we're becoming roommates. So the complaint is rarely the whole message, but people stop with just the complaint.

Truth telling means explicitly naming what's underneath that complaint. I I know a complaint sounds like such a terrible word. I couldn't come up with another word for it. I think you understand what I mean. The point of this entire thing is you really need to explicitly tell your husband or your wife the impact that whatever it is is having on you. Okay. And

Kari Hoskins (09:17.049)
what happens is we think we've told them that, but we really haven't. And so while you're waiting to say that out loud, you don't just stay stuck. What happens is you keep this conversation in your head, or or you think you had it and you really haven't. And now what's happened is now you're waiting for changes to happen, and while you're waiting for changes to happen internally, emotionally, you keep moving forward.

And so you start watching your spouse differently, and that's stage three, which we're gonna talk about next week, but you start watching your spouse differently. Do they notice me? Do they follow through? Do they even seem to care? And now you start collecting evidence that they do or they don't without even realizing you're doing it. And you're collecting evidence for whether or not you think this marriage can change.

But your spouse doesn't actually know any know any of this is happening. Okay. they just think that you're complaining about the dishes or the phone or the lack of sex, right? They don't know that you've, you know, been quietly starting to question the marriage. So they think that you guys are having the same conversation or the same disagreement about the budget or the habits or whatever.

But you're privately somewhere much further down that road. And by the time the truth finally comes out, you're no longer speaking from fresh hurt anymore. You're speaking from years of it. Piled up and stacked on top of each other, which is why this truth-telling stage is so important if you want to make an honest, authentic, clear, confident decision about your marriage. Okay.

So I want to give you some signs that you need to stop delaying or stop dragging your feet about having the conversation or you know if you're feeling any of these things and you think you had the conversation, I'd really like to encourage you to check yourself and make sure and go back and rehash the conversation in your mind.

Kari Hoskins (11:28.895)
And see, did I actually express to my husband or my wife what is going on underneath the surface for me? Okay, so what are the signs? A couple here. hinting no longer feels like enough. Like you want actual change, not just for your spouse to sense that something is wrong. Okay, another sign that you really need to have this conversation, or maybe you think you had it.

But it didn't come, it didn't land, it didn't come across, is that you're increasingly becoming more frustrated that your spouse doesn't seem to see how unhappy you are. Like you're thinking, like, how can they not see this? How are they not noticing? Another sign you need to have this conversation is that you've started imagining separation or divorce. Not because you've decided, but because you're wondering how long you can keep living this way.

The next sign is that you are emotionally exhausted. You're tired of repeating yourself and tired of hoping they're going to finally get it.

And one of the last signs is that you've gotten quieter. And this one matters a lot because sometimes less conflict does mean that a couple is doing better. But just or I what I was gonna say just as often, I'm gonna actually say more often than not. It means that the unhappier partner has stopped trying to be heard. And that is a huge red flag. Okay, that is a huge red flag.

So if you are like, yes, a couple of these resonate with me, you either haven't had the conversation or you think you did.

Kari Hoskins (13:11.839)
And you it did not land the way that it needed to land. Okay. So if you are thinking, okay, but we've had this conversation a hundred times, then one of two things is happening here. Okay. Either they don't understand the gravity of what you've been saying, or like I just said, you haven't communicated how serious it is well enough. Okay. So truth telling means naming what's happening.

Explicitly telling them how it's affecting you and what it means for the marriage. And when you're ready, it means telling them what you're asking to happen next, what you want to see changed specifically, in very explicit terms, not in vagueness, right?

So having this conversation is intimidating. And so I thought I'd just share with you some tips of how to actually start the conversation. Of course, there's no perfect way to do this, all right? It's gonna feel vulnerable, it's gonna be feel scary no matter how much you prepare. But there is kind of, I'm gonna call it a shape that helps you. The first thing is you want to choose your choose the moment, okay? Be mindful. You don't want to do this when they're like walking out the door, you don't want to do it late at night.

Night at midnight, you don't want to do it in the middle of a fight, you don't want to do it maybe after you know they've come home for a from a really long, hard, crappy day. You want to pick a time that is fairly neutral when people are in a decent mood. Okay, and you might say something like, Hey, there's something really important that I want to talk about. Can we make time tonight? Okay, and then you give them a little bit of warning. And then what I suggest is using this framework, it's four steps.

Here's the pattern that I see and give examples. Here's how it's affecting me. Be explicit. I'm feeling really lonely. I'm starting to resent you. I'm starting not to enjoy being married anymore. I want you then to go into number three, which is here's why it matters for our marriage. And then step four is here's what I'm asking us to do next.

Kari Hoskins (15:31.916)
Okay, so it's here's the pattern that I see and be explicit. Here's how it's affecting me. Here's why it matters for our marriage, and here's what I'm asking us to do next. Okay? So for example, I feel like every time I bring up something difficult, you shut down and I get more upset. And I know that I contribute to that too, but it's left me feeling really alone.

And it's starting to change how I feel about us. It's starting to change how I see our marriage. And I don't want this to keep repeating. Okay. I don't want to stay stuck in this cycle. I really think it's time for us to get help learning how to have these conversations differently.

Right. That hit all four of those things, right? So that's clear and it's serious and it is worlds away from you never listen, maybe we should just get a divorce, right? So truth-telling, stage two is not about using divorce as a weapon. Truth-telling, grounded truth-telling, sounds more like I need you to understand that the way we've been doing this isn't sustainable for us.

It's not sustainable for me. And I'm not saying this to scare you. I don't want us to keep avoiding this. Okay. The goal is not to force a reaction. The goal, you guys, is just to be honest. Okay. Another really important part of this is owning your part. Okay. So truth telling also means being honest about your own role. Maybe you shut down when the conversation gets hard. Maybe you avoid conflict until you explode.

Let resentment build instead of speaking up in the moment. Owning your part does not mean owning like the entire marriage. You can say something like, I know I haven't handled this perfectly, but something, you know, but something does need to change. Okay, so you you can do both of those things. So healthy truth telling is not about placing blame.

Kari Hoskins (17:38.894)
on your husband or your wife and it isn't this marriage is broken because of you. It's more like, hey, you know, we have unfortunately built this pattern that's hurting us. And I can see my part and I really need you to be willing to take a look at yours. Okay? That is far more likely to open up a door for change than just this list of accusations.

So of course there are risks to this. There's always risks in every stage. And the biggest risk in this stage

usually isn't even having the conversation, it's having it and having it not land. Okay. So you finally work up the courage to say, I've been unhappy for a really long time. I feel alone and I'm scared. And you and really the risk is your spouse saying, Well you're overreacting, we'll be fine. Or they listen and they apologize and they promise to change and then two days later it's like none of it ever happened. Okay. if it took everything you had to say, I'm not okay.

And it gets brushed off, I know it becomes so much harder for you to risk having that conversation again. And that is usually where the emotion the emotional withdrawal starts for a lot of you because you're protecting yourself. and so you know you don't broach the subject again.

So if you are the one hearing this from your spouse, your job is not to solve the whole marriage in a moment. It is to take the seriousness of it in. Okay? So pause before defending yourself. Even if it feels sudden, you know, to you, it likely has not been sudden for them. You don't have to agree with every detail to take their pain seriously, and you don't need to make a dozen promises either. Okay. Sometimes the most honest thing to say is, okay.

Kari Hoskins (19:32.992)
Wow, that was a lot. I need some time to process. But I hear you, and I hear how serious this is, and I want us to keep talking, and I want us to decide what we're going to do. That is literally one of the best responses that you can have. Okay. So the reason why this stage matters for your decision is.

is because a clear decision about your marriage requires real information. Can the two of you talk honestly? Can your spouse hear your pain without dismissing it? Can you both take responsibility? Can you agree on what needs to change and actually follow through?

If the conversation, if the truth has never really clearly been stated, you might be trying to make a decision about your marriage's future without knowing how your spouse would even respond to the reality of where you are, because they don't really understand where you're at.

And this does not mean you guys that you need to have or owe anybody anything. You don't need to have like endless conversations, okay? it doesn't mean that every marriage should be saved. It does mean that before you can make a real clear decision, it is worth asking

Whether the real stakes have actually been put on the table or not. Okay? And once you have actually put those stakes on the table, the question shifts. You stop asking, does you know, does my husband understand? Does my wife get it? And you start asking, what are they going to do with you know what they know now? What are they going to do with this information? And that is really, really important. And that moves you into stage three, which is called testing, which is what I'm

Kari Hoskins (21:18.575)
To talk about next week, which is when words stop being enough and you start watching for follow-through.

So before we close, I wanted to leave you just with a couple of, you know, reflection questions. Okay? Here are some things to consider. Have I clearly told my spouse how serious my unhappiness has become? Or have I mostly just hoped that they figure it out? Okay? The second question I want you to think about is have we talked about our deeper patterns? Or are we only talking about the symptoms, right? Those that list of complaints.

Have I expressed the larger message that's underneath my complaints or my grievances? What do I need my spouse to understand about how this has affected me? That's a really important one.

The next question for you to reflect on is what's my own part, right? Where do I take ownership in this pattern? And the last question is, what specific change am I looking for? And what would real follow-through actually look like?

Those are really important questions for you guys to consider. All right. Now, if you're listening and you're thinking, again, I have I know I'm somewhere in here, somewhere in this process, but I'm not sure where. Again, I want to invite you to go take my should we get a divorce quiz. You can find it in the show notes, or go check it out at kahoskins.com. Now, next week we are going to talk more explicitly about how to actually have this conversation with your spouse. But until

Kari Hoskins (22:59.567)
then I think I've given you a lot of things to consider. I am Kari Hoskins and this is the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'll talk to you next time.