Ep. 51: Can Your Marriage Be Saved? The Question of Desire

In the final episode of the Can This Marriage Heal? series, Kari tackles the question that keeps people up at night: If real change were possible, would you actually want to stay?

This isn't a question about whether your marriage can be fixed. It's a question about whether you want it to be — and those are very different things.

In this episode you'll learn:

•  The difference between desire and obligation,
•  Why showing up out of duty alone will quietly make things worse, not better.
• What it sounds like when someone is motivated by fear versus genuine desire 
• Why you can do all the right things and still end up right back where you started What it actually takes to sustain real, lasting repair.

Because here's the truth: a marriage doesn't heal just because two people love each other. It heals when both people are willing to become the kind of people who can make it work.

If you're somewhere between we have problems and I think I might be done — this episode will help you figure out which one is actually true.

Take the free Should We Get a Divorce? quiz to find out what stage of the decision-making process you're in Takt it here: https://kari-hoskins-coaching-llc.kit.com/9e533cdd68

Should We Get A Divorce Quiz: https://kari-hoskins-coaching-llc.kit.com/9e533cdd68

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.792)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'm your host, Kari Hoskins, and this is the final episode of our three-part series, Can This Marriage Heal? Basically, I've been giving you or I'm going to be giving you today the third question, three questions to ask yourself that can help you get a sense of what it might take to turn your marriage around.

so for those of you that are really feeling conflicted or confused or in limbo about which direction you want to go with your relationship with your marriage, I'm really hoping that this series has given you some really useful things to reflect on and think about. So today, like I just said, we're talking about the third question. Now I saved this question for last.

Because it's actually the one that people struggle with the most. And it's typically why people seek me out, why they want my help, to specifically figure out the answer to this question. Now, if you haven't listened to episodes 49 and 50, I'd really encourage you to go do that so that you after today would have all three questions just to help you get a little bit more clarity and to

have some purpose in your thought process as you are thinking about what you want to do with your marriage. So today's question is if real change were possible, would you want to stay in the marriage? Now like I said, this is the like this is the thing that people stress out about the most. It's the thing, it's the question that keeps people up at night. Now how difficult this question is

For you to answer is usually dependent on what stage of the divorce decision process you are in. For those of you in the beginning stages, stages one through three, the quiet knowing, the truth telling, maybe the testing, it's usually easier for you than those people who might be in the later stages, stages four, the fracture or five, the crossroads. Okay. So

Kari Hoskins (02:15.458)
Depending on where you are in your own personal process, that is what is typically one of the things that makes this either easy or more challenging to answer. Now, if you don't know what stage you're in, which you probably don't, you can go find out by taking the very short free quiz that I have for you. It's called Should We Get a Divorce? it takes just a couple of minutes. You can find it on my website, kahoskins.com, and I also put

The link in the show notes. And hopefully that link works. And if it doesn't work, please send me a message and let me know, even though I have tested it several times. But go check out that quiz. It will help you figure out what stage you are in. So having the desire, even just a small amount, to fix your relationship is a critical part of the decision-making process and a critical part of the repair process.

if that's the path that you choose. So today what I wanted to do for you is just talk about how to recognize if there is any desire to fix the marriage. And when I say that what I mean I I don't mean from panic, I don't mean from guilt or from fear of the alternative. I mean actual desire to make things better with your spouse. Okay. So

In order to do that, I want to just briefly go over the difference between desire and duty, which I'm also going to call obligation because saying the word duty over and over again is really annoying. But some people think about the possibility of repair because they feel like they're supposed to want to, not because they actually want to, or they feel pressure to, right, from family or friends.

And I say this confidently because I have these conversations literally all day long with people. You guys, showing up out of obligation isn't in and of itself a bad thing. Not at all. Okay. There are definitely seasons of your marriage where you show up because you made vows, you made a commitment, because you have children, because your spouse is struggling, because you're trying to be a person of integrity. Okay. However,

Kari Hoskins (04:42.653)
Obligation or duty alone are not enough for real true repair. And it becomes a problem when it's the only reason why you're staying. Okay, if you actually want a healthier marriage, because there's lots of people that stay out of obligation, and they just kind of resign themselves to being, you know, unhappy. They don't make a move to make things better and they don't make a move to separate.

Okay, there are those people, but I'm assuming because you're listening to this podcast that you're not one of those people. Okay. So let me tell you what obligation has the potential of doing to your relationship. Okay. Well, first of all, it makes it worse. but it has the potential of keeping you physically present, but still emotionally unavailable. Okay, so you're living in the same house, you're attending maybe coaching sessions or counseling sessions.

You're saying the right things. You make it appear like you're trying. But underneath the surface, you're not really open. Okay. You're literally just going through the motions. You are enduring the marriage, but you're not actually actively working on making it better. And this is really painful. Okay. Maybe not for you, but for your spouse. You are in, like I said, you're enduring the marriage. The other person feels that.

And this creates a really just kind of dysfunctional and painful dynamic where one of you is sincerely hoping for reconnection and the other one is performing. The other one is pretending to participate, okay? And the one who wants to fix it feels it. And they may not be able to name it, but they can feel that absence of desire. And over time.

That just creates a really negative dynamic, which you know just adds to more of whatever is going on in your relationship. Obligation also has the potential of creating more resentment for you. When you go through those motions of repair only because you think is what you should do, in air quotes, right? It increases the likelihood of adding to the resentment that you already have, which

Kari Hoskins (07:05.587)
Really works against the repairing fixing process. And let me tell you, every person I have ever worked with, every single one of them, has come into coaching with some amount of resentment towards their spouse. Okay. You all, you guys, you do not need more of that piled on top of what you're already carrying around with you. So if you are considering trying to fix your relationship or saying

That you're willing to fix it out of duty, it's not going to help you or your marriage in the long run. Now, if obligation is what gets you there, right? If obligation is what gets you to the point of asking for help, awesome. I am all for that. Whatever gets you into the door, okay. But you need to be honest about it with yourself, with your spouse, and with whoever it is who's helping you. Because

The changes that repair requires and that process, at least like my process, it's different if you don't have a desire to do it. Okay. If you actually want to like to fix your relationship, it does actually require, like in the long run, it does actually require desire, not just compliance, right? You have to want it. and one of the reasons why is because fixing it.

Is a marathon, not a sprint. And the longer you've been struggling in your marriage, the longer your marriage has been hurting, the longer it usually takes to turn it around. It takes longer to rebuild that trust, the safety, and the connection, which are all things that you need in order to have a happier, healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Okay. So you can should yourself into doing things all day long.

Right, doing all the things, attending the sessions, reading the books, stopping yourself from making that passive accom like passive aggressive comment in the kitchen. You can help more around the house, you can nag less. You can you know, do whatever you can to probably make things feel better in the short term. But without desire, those things are not going to last. And you're going to end up right back where you started, right back here, questioning and unhappy, right?

Kari Hoskins (09:32.365)
So creating a healthier, more satisfying marriage typically requires more than just improved behavior. It requires some part of you that is willing to move towards your spouse again. Okay, so how do you know, and this is always the question, how do you know if you are, you know, willing, let's, or questioning fixing things out of obligation or desire?

So if you're being motivated by duty or obligation, you're going to think things or say things like, Well, I made a commitment. I don't want to hurt the kids. I don't want to be the person that gives up. I know divorce would be painful and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm afraid to leave. I should try because it's the right thing to do. Okay? Now, if you have a true interest.

or desire to turn your marriage around or to save your marriage. You're going to think things or say things like, you know, I really want to understand what has happened between us. You might say something like, or think something like, I want to feel differently about my husband, or I want to feel differently towards my towards my wife, or I want to see if it's possible to make things better. Okay. So those are

Like you can hear the difference between those two, you know, trains of thought, I would think, right? I can hear them. So what I want to say next is that when you imagine your marriage being genuinely turned around, okay? Not perfect, but healthier, warmer, with openness, with connection, with vulnerability, with enjoyment. What do you feel?

Not what you're supposed to feel. Okay, I want you to like picture that in your mind if you can. What comes up for you? Is there a small flicker of hope? Is it curiosity? Or does it make you feel kind of flat or exhausted or skeptical? Okay, that answer tells you where your head is at and where your heart is at right now. And that is really important to pay attention to.

Kari Hoskins (11:58.723)
So I want to end this kind of part of this episode with something that I think is really the entire heart of this little mini-series, okay? All three of these questions: ownership, respect, desire, they're actually pointing to one deeper question. And the question is this: Are you both willing to become the kind of people who could help your marriage?

heal. Okay, are you both willing to become the kind of people who could help your marriage heal? A marriage does not magically get better because two people love each other. There are so many people out there who love each other genuinely and they cannot figure out how to build a happy life together. A marriage does not heal when two people or I'm sorry, a marriage only heals

When two people are willing to become the kind of people who can make it work. And that is a question that only you can answer for yourself. So I want you to remember this. These three questions are not a pass or fail test for your marriage. This is not a, well, we got two out of three, so I guess we're fine. Or we got two out of three, I guess we're doomed. That is not how relationships work. In fact, almost all the couples who come to work with me.

There is one spouse who already has one foot out the door. There is one of them who does not know if they have enough desire to fix their relationship. one spouse who can only like honestly answer yes to one of those questions. Okay. So that is super, super common. I just wanted to, you know, give you these questions because they were really meant as a way to help you pay attention.

To the conditions that make healing possible. It's not a guarantee, it's simply an indicator of how likely it is that you can turn things around. Okay, so is there ownership? Is there respect? If there's not respect, are you willing to try to get it back? And is there desire, do you actually want to repair or rebuild the relationship? Or are you just really wanting relief from the pain? And listen.

Kari Hoskins (14:24.73)
If you are like listening to this and you are realizing we don't have all of those things right now, that does not automatically mean your marriage is over. Like I just said, so many of the people that I work with, one person cannot answer yes to all of those questions. Okay, all it means is that you might need help. You might need structure, it may mean

You need to stop having the same circular conversations and start having the conversation underneath them. It may mean that you need to get more clear on where you actually are in this process because there is a big difference between I don't know what I want to do and I think I'm done. And those are very different places and they require different questions and different next steps. And if that is you, my friend, please, I

You really encourage you, go take that should we get a divorce quiz. It is in the show notes or you can visit kahoskins.com. It will help you figure out what stage of this decision-making process you're in. And when you get your results, it I tell you what the stage means and I give you questions to consider so that you can start working on becoming more clear about what it is you might actually want.

Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I'm Kari Hoskins, and this is the Divorce Decision Podcast. Have a great day.