Ep 29: What To Do When Your Partner Is Triggered

Accidentally push your partner’s buttons? You’re not alone. In this episode of Lucky in Love, I share what to do (and not do) when your partner or spouse is triggered, why button-pushing damages trust and intimacy, and how to calm things down, reframe the conversation, and rebuild connection.

👉 Grab the free Trigger Reflection Guide at kahoskins.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karihoskinscoaching/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kari.lifecoaching/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4A7XJcQEYfTh3E43IIw7Bg/about
Website: https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com

Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.914)

Hey there, welcome to Lucky in Love. My name is Kari Hoskins and I'm a communication coach for couples who are struggling. And I started this podcast just as a way to introduce you to helpful concepts and tools that you can start using in your relationship today. So let's get started. Last week, we talked about how to not blow up a conversation when you're feeling triggered. And if you haven't listened to that one yet,

I would definitely encourage you to go back and check it out after today's episode because I think it can really, really help a lot of you listening. So today we're gonna keep with this whole triggered theme and we're gonna talk about what to do and what not to do when you're the one who has triggered your partner or your spouse. But I do feel compelled to start this off by saying, if you are one of those people that purposefully

pushes your partner's buttons when you are pissed off or upset, please do your relationship a favor and just stop. Intentionally trying to trigger them, intentionally pushing them and pushing their buttons when you're upset really messes with your relationship. It erodes trust, it creates defensiveness, it damages your intimacy and it really keeps you stuck in an unhealthy pattern and cycle. And that is not what I want.

for any of you, that's just not a fun way to live. I do, however, think that it's pretty safe to say that most of us have at one time or another pushed a button that we didn't necessarily mean to. I was thinking about the very first argument that my husband and I had back when we were dating started because I said something that triggered him. We were talking about kind of a touchy subject.

But the conversation was going fine. It was normal. Nobody was upset. And then all of a sudden I used a word that really hit a nerve. And you guys, I had no freaking idea that this particular word would cause such a big reaction. And I was caught really off guard by his response. So much so that literally all of the tools that I have flew out the window and

Kari Hoskins (02:22.562)

I became super triggered. got really defensive. And to add insult to injury, I ended up saying something like, really, you've got to be kidding me. Like, this is ridiculous. OK? Let's just say that didn't go over so well. It was not my finest moment. We ended up in a really, really big fight. I have never used that word since FYI. But I'm guessing that you probably have your own version.

of that story, right? A moment where you feel like you accidentally stepped like on a landmine out of nowhere. So the question is, what do do when that happens? What do you do when you accidentally trigger them? Well, first you have to notice that it's happening. And most of us can tell that the conversation has taken a left turn. But if they become super emotional or defensive or shut down, that's your sign that something has gone awry, okay?

So I wanna start with what not to do. You wanna do your best to avoid escalating the situation. What this means is you really need to resist the urge to jump in and fix it immediately. Don't argue with them, don't argue the facts, don't try to explain what you meant. Don't like launch into how explaining like how they're wrong or how they misunderstood you or how they twisted your words, okay?

And I also suggest trying really hard not to get defensive and not become triggered yourself because like I said last week Triggered people trigger people and you really have to watch yourself And so instead what I want you to do is just try to bring your energy down a notch like you don't really want to match their intensity because they are Having a lot of emotion

they are probably very reactive and so their energy is very big. You wanna bring yours down. Lower your voice, your speaking rate and just try to like find your inner Zen, okay? This not only helps them, but it will also help you stay grounded. The second suggestion I have is you need to acknowledge that they've been triggered and like kind of validate it, okay? So I can see this is upsetting you.

Kari Hoskins (04:41.385)

what's going on and just listen. Again, you don't want to argue, you don't want to explain yourself, you just need to listen to them, okay? In that moment, what they really need from you and what will be the most helpful for you actually is to listen to their perspective, listen to where they're coming from, listen to why they're upset and triggered, okay? You can also suggest stepping away from the conversation and cooling off for a little bit.

that I think is probably the best suggestion anyone can ever give you because it takes a little bit for all of our emotions to come down so that we can continue having a more calm conversation. And then when you do come back to the conversation, if you were able to step away from it, you really want to check in with their perspective. You need to understand what they heard. And sometimes,

It's not even what you say, it's how you say it or how you said it, okay? It's how they interpreted it. So after you understand where they're coming from, that's your cue to reframe it, potentially rephrase it so that you have a better shot at being heard because we need to revisit the original content of the conversation, okay? And one thing that can really make a big difference in the long run is getting to know

if you don't already know what your partner's triggers are, okay? And then sharing yours so they know what yours are as well. And you can do this by, you know, looking back over past arguments that you've had or tense conversations and just start noticing what sets both of you off. And the key of course is to talk about your triggers when you're not triggered, when you're in a calm, neutral place, not in the middle of a fight.

So to make this easier for you, I said this last week, I did create for you a guide, a trigger reflection guide. You can download it from free from my website at https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com, fill it out, and then I suggest swapping. And so that you guys can share your answers with each other. Now, if your partner is not willing to do this, then just make an edu-, you can use the guide and apply it to them and just make an educated guess.

Kari Hoskins (07:04.002)

based on your history and your past conversations and arguments and things like that. If you do sit down and have the trigger conversation and you find that it's really challenging, like you cannot get through this conversation without it becoming heated, that is usually a sign that you have some deeper issues going on underneath the surface of your relationship that needs attention.

That's really where working with a good therapist or a good coach can help. So I definitely am an advocate for that. And I am currently accepting new clients. So if you would like my perspective on your situation and how I can support you, you can book a three, a three, a free 30 minute consultation call at https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com. And we can see how I can help you help you out. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you this week.

But be sure to join me next week because I'm going to count down the seven worst things to say during an argument. And trust me, I'm sure you've said a few of them yourself. Have a great day.