Ep 28: How To NOT Blow Up A Conversation When You're Feeling Triggered

Do you lose your sh*t when your partner says or does something that triggers you? Yep, the struggle is real. In this episode we talk about my 3 step process of keeping your cool when your partner hits a nerve. You'll learn why certain words, tones, or behaviors can send you into an emotional spiral, how past experiences shape your reactivity, and why some personalities are more sensitive than others. Kari Hoskins shares her personal triggers, real-life client examples, and walks you through a simple 3-step process to help you stay calm, respond thoughtfully, and avoid making things worse in the heat of the moment. If you've ever snapped, shut down, or walked out mid-conversation—this one's for you.

Includes a free downloadable Trigger Reflection Guide at kahoskins.com

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.694)
Hey there, everyone. Welcome to Lucky in Love. My name is Kari Hoskins, and I'm a communication coach for couples who are struggling. And I started this podcast as a way to introduce you all to helpful, or what I think are helpful, concepts and tools that you can start using in your relationship immediately. So let's get started. Today, we're going to be talking about

how to keep a conversation from blowing up when you're feeling triggered. And this is really personal for me. I struggled with this for many, many years. And I know that once I kind of figured out this process that I'm going be teaching you, it pretty much changed everything. It changed the dynamics in a lot of my relationships. And it also made me feel different about myself as well, because it doesn't feel good when you become triggered.

So I'm definitely going to teach you my three step process that I personally use. And I'm also hoping that this episode just maybe gives you a little more insight into yourself and what's going on when you become triggered. OK, I know that a lot of you also find this challenging. It's not just me. A trigger can be something that seems relatively small, like a particular tone of voice or a facial expression.

or can be something a little bit bigger, like a certain phrase or a word. Maybe it's a particular topic that's very triggering to you, or there's a certain behavior that your partner does that sets you off. But regardless of how big or small the trigger is, maintaining self-control will definitely help your relationship. I honestly look at it as a skill.

which is why I wanted to teach you this three-step process. I think it's a skill because it's something you have to be intentional about, and it's something that you have to practice. And so hopefully, you'll start using it. I cannot tell you guys how many times I will be working with a couple and we get done with a session and they're doing great and they kind of feel like they've maybe turned a corner, right? Because I do help people who are struggling in their relationships.

Kari Hoskins (02:26.668)
And then the next time we have a session, they come back totally pissed off and angry. And what happens is between the sessions, one of them says something that triggers and sets off the other person, right? And then everything just kind of escalates and unravels from there. So I want you to think about how you respond in your relationship when you're feeling triggered. Some very normal responses for people.

are to lash out or snap. Maybe you say something mean. Maybe you go quiet and emotionally shut down. Some people will just abruptly, without warning, leave the room or leave the house. Like all of these are normal responses, but they're not necessarily healthy responses. And they can definitely be detrimental to your relationship over time.

So everyone of course has their own like way of responding and their own level of response and understanding and being able to identify what yours is, is a pretty helpful part of the puzzle. But I wanted to share with you that there are certain personality types that are more prone to being triggered and also your like your past history, your past relationship experiences, all influence.

and affect your response to being triggered and how often you become triggered. So generally speaking, highly sensitive people, overachievers, perfectionists, and people pleasers do have a tendency towards swift, strong reaction versus those of you that may be super chill or have a really like laid back personality. And if you are in a relationship currently or have been in one,

where there was cheating, dishonesty, manipulation, chronic invalidation, you would probably become triggered a little bit easier than other people. And maintaining control is probably a little bit more challenging for you. And of course, of course, we cannot forget about two other factors, stress and hunger. Both of these definitely make keeping your cool more difficult, which is why...

Kari Hoskins (04:50.377)
Always trying to tell people, remind them, do not have a serious conversation when you are stressed out right away or hungry. If you are stressed out about something, you need to take a walk, blow off some steam, and deal with the stress before we engage in a serious conversation. So what happens when you're triggered is your brain literally spins off like into overdrive. And it's really easy

to misinterpret or misconstrue what your partner has said or done. So a very simple moment in the day, in the conversation can take a pretty bad turn and potentially leading to a whole host of problems because your brain goes into overdrive. So the goal with what I'm about to teach you is for you to recognize first,

when, like in the moment when you're being triggered. I also want you to be able to take control of your emotions and then calmly get clarification on what your partner has done or said, depending on the trigger. And then you can give a measured response. That's really the goal here. Okay. So like I said, there are three steps to this process. I mean, I listened to a million podcasts and normally it's like when I'm walking or driving.

And when someone's teaching me something, I want to like stop and write it down. So what I did for you guys is I created a trigger reflection guide for you. You can find it at my website, kahoskins.com. It's a free download. I do suggest that you print it out and actually work through it, like write down your answers, because for whatever reason, writing things down just kind of really helps you process and it helps you remember things.

Okay, so step one actually has two parts, but step one is to identify your triggers ahead of time. This is really important and this is this actual step that most people don't take the time to do. Self-awareness is a really big part of having the ability to reel yourself in. Okay, so like I said, it has two parts. Part A is identifying whatever that thing is that sets you off. So you need to think about it. What gets under your skin?

Kari Hoskins (07:13.707)
what words, tones, or behaviors make you feel like instantly angry or defensive, hurt, maybe fearful, maybe make you feel worry or anxiety, whatever your thing is, okay? Maybe it's a certain facial expression, maybe it's a certain noise that they make, maybe there's a topic that sets you off, okay? But you need to think like through past arguments.

and tense conversations that you've had in your current relationship and in past relationships. And I want you to write it all down. Part B is to ask yourself and reflect on what feelings bubble up inside of you when each of those things occur. And then you want to reflect on why it's creating that feeling. So for example, that facial expression.

that they do instantly makes you feel defensive because you think that they're blaming you for something or you think that they may be judging you, right? That's just like one example, okay? So you wanna look for your patterns. What moments, what do these moments have in common, I guess is what I'm trying to say. So you wanna write it all down and look for the pattern, okay? Again, you guys, this is when the worksheet comes in handy because

I don't think this part is very easy for a lot of people. And I give you very specific prompts and questions that you can answer to help make this process easier. And I think it's really tempting to point the finger at the other person and say, or even just think, well, I wouldn't get upset if they hadn't done that thing. I wouldn't be upset if they hadn't said it in that way. But finger pointing.

does not help you deal with being triggered in the moment. And so that is not a productive way to approach this. Understanding what the trigger is and why it's upsetting you is what the point is. So I thought I'd give you a couple of examples. One of my triggers is feeling like I'm being micromanaged, told what to do, or controlled. I can actually trace this all the way back to my very first romantic relationship when I was in high school.

Kari Hoskins (09:31.599)
That was a really unhealthy dysfunctional relationship and my boyfriend was incredibly controlling and there were a lot of red flags, but I was too young and too naive to recognize them. And that relationship took a really big toll on my self-esteem and on my self-concept. And so fast forward, anything that is reminiscent of someone telling me what to do or micromanaging me,

or making decisions for me is really triggering. So if my husband very innocently says something like, you're not going to wear that, are you? My brain immediately goes to he's trying to control me. He's going to tell me what to wear. And that pisses me off. Another example is hurry up. We need to leave in 10 minutes. my God. I hate that. Okay. I feel rushed and I literally feel this very irrational

intense anger bubbling up inside of me because I feel like I'm being micromanaged. And just so you all know, I am not usually the person that's running late. So in my mind, even saying that is completely unnecessary. But in those moments, I take a deep breath because trust me, what I want to say is worry about yourself. I am not the one who runs late. But I don't say that. And that is the thought that goes through my head. But I don't say that.

because it's kind of bitchy and I'm not a bitchy person. And also because we're leaving and I don't want to get in the car and have us both be in a bad mood or have either of us be upset. So instead, I say, yes, babe, thank you. I'm watching the time. Okay. Now, if I hadn't taken the time to really figure out why that particular phrase bothered me, I wouldn't have been able to come up with the yes, babe, thanks.

I'm watching the time response, which is a great response because then he backs off and I feel better and then I get my shit done and we leave and everything's great. But I had to take time to like think through that. And so that's why I'm sharing this with you. I want you guys to really take the time to think through your stuff. OK, so what is your trigger? OK, maybe it's feeling judged, criticized, underappreciated, disrespected. Maybe maybe it's not feeling

Kari Hoskins (11:58.255)
Good enough like whatever your thing is. I had a client who had some pretty significant abandonment issues from childhood and if she wanted to talk to her husband about something that she thought was important if He said something to the effect of well, can we talk about this later? She would really like come unglued. Okay. She got really really triggered because she interpreted it as He wasn't being there for her Okay, I had another client

whose ex-wife was incredibly negative and was apparently constantly complaining about him and to him. And so now with his current wife, if she ever brings up any downside of anything that they're talking about, or if he perceives her as coming across as negative, it really upsets him. And their conversations would consistently turn into arguments. So those are a couple more examples.

So you guys just need to remember that interpreting something as criticism or control or abandonment or like whatever your thing is in that moment doesn't mean that that's what your partner intended, okay? Losing sight of this and flipping out or shutting down, that's where things go sideways, okay? So if you don't keep your cool, your response might trigger them because what happens is,

triggered people trigger people, okay? And it becomes this vicious cycle. And that's just, you know, not good for your relationship. So that's step number one is to identify your triggers. Step number two is controlling yourself. And this I think is the most difficult step. So after you figuring out like what your triggers are, it's going to be easier for you to recognize it when it's happening in real time, okay? So you need to be checked into your body so that you can recognize

What's going you know, what's going on inside of you because it usually comes on pretty fast You'll feel like this big surge of emotion pretty quickly and for a lot of people it's Pretty overwhelming feeling In the world of psychology we call that being flooded like your heart starts to race you might might start to sweat Maybe you can hear your heart pounding in your ears for me when I feel triggered I can like actually

Kari Hoskins (14:24.344)
feel like heaviness in my solar plex or my stomach area. Okay. and the more attuned you are to your body, the easier it's going to be for you to recognize. But when you feel this, you literally need to like pause. Like just pause. Okay. Slow things down and identify what is triggering you and why you're feeling the way that you're feeling. Okay. And this is why step one is so important because reflecting on this ahead of time,

when you're not upset is going to help you recognize it in the moment. Okay. and I know this is not easy, right? So what I suggest is when you recognize it, taking a few deep breaths and either telling yourself like literally, Ooh, I'm really triggered right now. Or, and, or telling your partner, I'm really triggered right now. I need to take a break. So what I tell my husband is that really triggered me and I need to step away from this conversation for a couple of minutes.

And then I do, I leave the room and I go collect myself. OK, so what you do when you step away is really, really important. If you leave the room and you ruminate and you go over and over it in your head, what can happen is you could end up working yourself up more and more and more. OK, what you want to do and that's not good. What you want to do is calm yourself down. So if you don't know how to do this, I would suggest you go back and listen to episode 22. It's called

how to calm down when you're feeling triggered. I give you five concrete things that you can do to help calm yourself down. And I'm laughing right now because the last one surprises everyone and it's absolutely my favorite. So you definitely have to go listen to that episode. But once you calm down, you can figure out why you're feeling the way you are and talk through that. And then you can get back on track with whatever the original conversation was.

Okay, which is actually step three, which is to then revisit the conversation and go ahead and talk about it and figure out what's going on. Okay. So that's the three step process. Again, I encourage you to go to my website, kahoskins.com, download that free guide so you can like literally start working on this today.

Kari Hoskins (16:49.431)
And also make sure that you check back in next week because I'm going to be giving you some suggestions on what you can do if it's your partner who's become triggered. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you this week. I'll see you next time.