Ep 27: 5 Phrases That Will Draw Your Partner Closer To You

If you're tired of walking on egg shells. If you are feeling disconnected or you simply want a stronger connection this episode is for you. These phrases can create powerful shifts in how connected your partner feels to you. These are everyday words that say, “I see you, I care about you, and I’m with you.” When used with intention, they can bring you closer and strengthen the heart of your relationship.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.558)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the podcast. I am really appreciative that you are spending some of your time with me today. If you wanna prevent big issues from arising in your relationship, or if you wanna be able to talk to each other without walking on eggshells, or maybe you just wanna be able to talk about real things, then you need to start paying attention

to what you would probably consider like the small little everyday things, okay? So I'm gonna help you out. Today I am going to share with you my list of five phrases that you can start using right now that is going to help your relationship. Like I said, these are small things. It might seem insignificant to you right now, but it actually isn't.

because what you say on a regular basis quite literally shapes the emotional tone of your relationship, meaning it influences how you feel about one another and also about where you're at in your relationship or in your marriage. Now, I chose these specific phrases to share with you because these are the ones that I find myself.

most often encouraging my clients to use. And a lot of the people that I work with, they're really struggling with some fairly significant problems in the relationship. Some of them are trying to figure out if they want to stay together. Some of them are trying to actively turn things around. And regardless of the situation, they still all need to do some of the same things. And this is why I'm sharing this with you today, because I think it is definitely something

that most people can relate to. Okay, so these five phrases, if you start using them on a regular basis, you don't have to use all of them, of course, but, you know, pick one or two that you are not currently doing and just see how it goes because once you start using these on a more regular basis, it will, over just a very short amount of time actually, end up making or could end up making a big impact in your relationship.

Kari Hoskins (02:21.664)
Okay, so the first phrase I would encourage you to start using is, appreciate you because. Now this is different than I appreciate you, which you guys, of course that feels good. Everyone wants to feel appreciated or be told that they're being appreciated, but it really is more meaningful when you are specific, right? So specificity does matter, okay?

I appreciate you for being so patient with the kids this morning. I appreciate that you went out and mowed the lawn even though it was 80 degrees and you really didn't feel like it. I actually just told my husband this morning, I appreciate that you stopped what you were doing so you could go and get the mason jars from the top shelf in the garage, right? Like you was right in the middle of something and I did not intend.

for him to stop what he was doing right then, but he did because he knew that I was working on something. So I just told him that I appreciated it. I appreciate that you stepped in to help with the kids when you saw I was about to lose my shit. So you really want to start acknowledging very specific things that your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, what they're doing for you. I would also like to encourage you to start verbally appreciating

All those little small things that you consider to be in air quotes like their job. So I do like 95 % of the grocery shopping in our house and it feels so good when my husband tells me thank you for going to the grocery store because to be honest with you I don't enjoy grocery shopping and it is a chore. I of course make the most of it but it does feel good when he tells me that he appreciates that I did that.

and he does most of the cooking in our house. And I always tell him thank you after he's made us this yummy, tasty meal, because that meant I didn't have to necessarily do it. So this matters because appreciation helps people want to continue showing up. And it will help whoever your significant other is want to keep doing the things that they're doing without resentment building.

Kari Hoskins (04:40.462)
Feeling unappreciated is exactly what leads to resentment and burnout and withdrawal. It's really what starts to get people thinking about things might be, wait, what is the term? It's greener on the other side, right? The grass is greener on this side. That's the term, right? People start thinking about, well, maybe it might be better if I wasn't together with this person. Maybe it might be better if I was with that person instead over there.

Those things begin with little small seeds of resentment and feeling unappreciated. So basically, I just want to encourage you guys to start doing this because it will shift the entire emotional climate of your relationship or your marriage. The second suggestion that I have is that you start using some version of how can I support you? It can look like or sound like I should say,

What do you need from me right now? And what can I do for you? I encourage you to use this when you recognize that your significant other is stressed out or upset. Babe, it seems like you're having a hard day. What can I do for you? Is there anything that I can do to help? Okay. It seems that you're stressed out. Is there something that I can take off your list? Would you like to talk about it? Whatever your situation and your relationship really calls for. And I want to throw this in there.

I almost didn't throw this in there because it kind of felt like a little bit of a tangent, but upon further reflection, I think it is appropriate. I also suggest using this if they are grieving something, if they are grieving a person. A few of my clients just in the last six months, their significant others have lost significant people in their life. One of them has lost a mother. Another one has lost

a sister, someone else lost their cat. I had one client who just recently lost their dog. So there's a lot of grief and loss right now kind of in my world. And so I think that this is probably why I'm thinking about it. But I always suggest that you ask your person what they need from you, especially when they're grieving because everybody grieves different.

Kari Hoskins (07:03.912)
And we don't really know what they need. And to be honest with you, they might not know what they need. They might not know how to feel supported or what you could do to support them. But that's okay. Ask them anyway. When my husband, he was my boyfriend at the time, but when his mother died, I did not really know what to do because I know that everyone grieves different. And so I just said,

babe, I love you and I am so sorry. And I was grieving too. I had just started getting to know her and only known her for a couple of years, but I already loved her. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how he grieved. And so I said, what can I do to support you? And he said, I don't know. So I'll never forget, we sat on the couch for about an hour and a half, just holding hands in silence, lost in our own thoughts. And as it turns out, that was exactly what he needed in that moment because that's what we did.

So how can I support you? Some version of that is a really great way to sustain and build connection in your relationship. So number three suggestion, and this is a hard one for a lot of people, but it is so important. It's I was wrong about that. When was the last time that you admitted being wrong about something? So admitting that you were wrong without defensiveness,

goes a really long way in relationships. We often get stuck in the blame game, right? Just this loop of blame and defensiveness and justification and our reasons and our rationale, okay? But admitting that you were wrong brings all of that stuff down a notch, which helps you resolve your disagreements more easily, okay? And if you're willing to take ownership for your stuff,

It is way easier for your partner to take ownership of theirs. So examples of this is, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was wrong to assume that you weren't trying. I can see that you are or that you have been. Maybe it's, I had a really crappy day and I'm so sorry that I took it out on you. Right? So admitting that you were wrong really shows the other person that you care about them and that you care about your relationship.

Kari Hoskins (09:27.03)
I actually just did this a couple of nights ago. My husband and I were doing a training session with our puppy. We have a brand new puppy. She's the most, she's hanging out with me right now at my feet while I'm recording this podcast. She's like the most adorable thing. So we were with our awesome trainer, Bonnie, and we were doing this hour and a half training session with her. And I realized that I kept asking my husband, are you listening? Babe, are you listening?

Are you listening? Did you hear what she said? Like I was doing that. And the poor guy, he was totally listening. It just didn't look to me like he was listening. And I know that that must've felt super annoying, but he, to his credit, he didn't say anything to me. But once I recognized about halfway through the session, I recognized that I was doing that. And so of course I stopped. But the very first thing that I told him when we got in the car was,

I am so sorry for asking you over and over again if you were listening. I apologize. That is my bad. I'm sure that was annoying." And he was like, thank you, because yeah, it was annoying. So that stuff goes a long way. If I had not brought it up, if I hadn't said anything, then he probably would have been annoyed with me the whole rest of the night. But thankfully he wasn't, because I think I got ahead of it and I brought it up, which leads to another good point.

is be the first person to bring it up. When you recognize this is something that you've done or said that maybe you shouldn't have or you could have done a different way, don't wait for them to bring it up. Why don't you just go ahead and go first? I always say in relationships, be willing to go first. Okay, so number four. This one might surprise you. It's that makes sense. Okay, so this works wonders when you are in a disagreement.

I always tell people that you, when you're in a disagreement with someone, especially your significant other, you want to ask them to help you understand where they're coming from. Explain it to me. Help me understand. Okay. And that needs to be authentic. you know, I really do hope that you want to understand because understanding where they're coming from is quite frankly, the only way you're going to end up in some kind of resolution that helps both of you. But

Kari Hoskins (11:47.092)
After they tell you, after they explain it to you, acknowledge their perspective with something along the lines of, okay, well, I can see that or that makes sense. Even if you don't agree with them, saying that makes sense or I can see where you're coming from does not mean that you agree with where they're coming from. It means that you can see it even if you disagree, even if you don't see it that way, which most likely, obviously, if you're in a disagreement, you don't see it like that. And I think that

people are afraid of saying that because they're afraid that their partner is going to misunderstand them. But the bottom line is that that makes sense or I can see where you're coming from just shows that you're listening and it shows that you're trying to understand them. Okay. And this can also really help diffuse defensiveness in the moment. Now, obviously you guys, you would only say this if

It actually does make sense to you. It needs to be sincere. But the point is, again, is that you're acknowledging where they're coming from and or you're validating their feelings. You're not necessarily agreeing with them. And here's the last one that I suggest. Number five is I love you and now this is instead of I love you, but OK, I will hear people say all of the time things like I love him.

but he's got a bad temper or yeah, I love her, but she's really sensitive. So everything that comes before the but, which happens to be the I love you part, gets cross canceled, gets canceled out. It completely dismisses or diminishes what came before it. So instead of saying the but, I want you to say and, I love you and.

and holds space for what I consider complexity, meaning two things can be true at the same time. I can love him and he can have a bad temper. I can love her and she can be a little sensitive, right? So both things can be true. I love you and I need some space to calm down. I love you and I don't think we did a very good job of resolving this. Can we revisit this? I love you and

Kari Hoskins (14:10.272)
I'm really, really pissed off still. So the and really reinforces safety and security in your relationship, even when there's tension or even when there's frustration or disagreement going on. And I think that, like I just said, two things can be true at the same time. I think that people forget that. So don't forget that two things can be equally true at the same time, even if they don't...

necessarily inherently feel like it. So these phrases, I appreciate you because what do you need from me right now or how can I support you? I was wrong about that. That makes sense. I can see where you're coming from and I love you and these things again may seem small but they have a cumulative impact on your relationship. These things if you start saying them regularly

are going to help you feel a lot more connected and it's going to help open up your communication between you and your significant other. So I have two suggestions for you. The first one is to pick one of these things that I just suggested for you and start trying to use it more regularly. In fact, you can start as soon as you're done with this podcast. And bonus points. If you choose the one that you're resisting the most.

If you're resisting it, it is most likely something that your partner would really, really like to hear from you. And the second suggestion that I have is to ask your significant other what words or phrases have meaning for them so that the two of you can come up with your own, I call it, you know, your own relationship language. I know like my husband and I have certain phrases that he and I just use with each other and no one else, and it's meaningful for us.

We have things that we say when we're upset with each other. We have things that we say first thing in the morning and at night before we go to bed if one of us is frustrated. And that's just because over time we've developed our own relationship language. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I hope that you join me next time because we are going to be talking about how to listen when you are feeling triggered. And I wanted to talk about this because

Kari Hoskins (16:34.688)
A lot of us get super, super triggered when we're upset, and it really derails the conversation and can cause a lot of drama when there doesn't really need to be as much drama. So that's what we're talking about next time. Right, you guys? Have a good week.