Ep 25: How To Say Something Better So Your Partner Actually Hears You

You’re not crazy—sometimes it really does feel like your partner isn’t hearing you. But what if the problem isn’t what you’re saying... it’s how you’re saying it?

In this episode, Kari breaks down the art of reframing—how to say the same thing in a way that actually gets through. From calling out common communication landmines to showing you exactly how to rework those heated phrases, you’ll walk away with practical tools to help you feel heard without blowing things up. If you're tired of the shutdowns, snapbacks, and same-old fights, this one’s a must-listen.

Bonus: You’ll learn how to spot the signs that something needs a reframe before it comes flying out of your mouth.

🎯 Communication gold for anyone stuck in a cycle of misfires and misunderstandings.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.802)
Hey there, friends. Welcome back to the show. So today I wanted to start by sharing with you just a little bit about a session that I had a couple of weeks ago with a new couple that I've started working with. And I'm sharing this with you because it is a great example of the topic that we're going to be talking about today, but also because I know that it is something that most of you can relate to. So at least some variation of it, right? So I...

The wife had a really important meeting at work that was coming up and she had a lot of apprehension and anxiety about it. And she'd been talking to her husband about this. And the day of the meeting, the meeting comes and goes and it went well, but the day of the meeting, after it was over, she was waiting for her husband to send a text message, asking about it or a call or some type of acknowledgement. And when the acknowledgement didn't come all day long, she got more and more in her head and was just

really, really worked up and upset. And by the time she got home, she was furious at him for not reaching out. And so he gets home and obviously notices that she's upset. And what she ends up saying is, can't believe you forgot about my big meeting. Well, actually I can believe it because you don't think about me at all. And her husband was instantly defensive. He felt like he was being attacked.

and they ended up in a really big argument where, of course, a whole bunch of stuff from the past got brought up and it just wasn't good. It was not good at all. So they're trying to restore their relationship. And so this argument really felt like a setback to them. But from my perspective, it was a really great opportunity to teach them about reframes. And I also taught them about conflict and stuff like that. But reframes...

is definitely something, myself included, that everyone could really benefit from using more on a more regular basis in their relationship. But reframing can be hard for a lot of people. And so I'm going to share with you some tips on how to do it. Okay? So reframing is the way that you say something, is changing the way, excuse me, that you say something in a way that makes it easier for your partner

Kari Hoskins (02:23.822)
to hear, right? It makes it easier for them to receive the message that you're trying to send to them, okay? Now, ideally, you will get to a point where you can reframe something in your head before you actually say it. But if we're being honest, most of us don't realize that we should have said something differently until it's already come out of our mouth and it didn't go over so well. It's like, well, that could have gone better. Ooh, I could have said that in a better way or whatever. So...

That is usually what happens. Or we want to push our partner's buttons. Like we don't want to say it better. We want to make them feel bad. But you guys, if you want a healthy relationship that feels good and if you want to have the kind of relationship where you can talk about anything and be open and vulnerable, then you really do need to be mindful about how you are communicating, what you're saying and how you're saying it.

So I'm going to share with you some signs that what you're about to say could be said differently. Okay, and I'm going to give you some tips on how to do that. So the first one is if your statement starts with you always or you never, okay? These are classic triggers and they instantly put your partner into defense mode. Okay, so if your sentence starts with you always or you never, then press pause and figure out a better way to say it.

I'd also like to say that not only does it make people feel defensive, but using the word never is rarely a good idea. The moment you say that, they are literally going to send you an Excel spreadsheet of all of the times that they did whatever it is you're accusing them of never doing. Like that's just human nature. We want to defend ourselves, right? Okay, so instead of saying you never help around the house,

You can try something like, I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. Is there a way that you can help me with the house? Okay, that's gonna be received way better. Instead of you always overreact, you can say something like, I noticed that when I bring up this topic, it escalates rather quickly. How can we talk about this? Like, how can we talk about this differently? Is there a better way for us to have this conversation? Okay, those two examples are gonna get you much better results.

Kari Hoskins (04:46.55)
than the you always and the you never's. The second sign is that if what you're about to say is coming from a really heated, emotional, fired up place, right? So if you're speaking from a place of anger, hurt, frustration, your tone is going to land harder than your message. The way that you're saying it, your delivery is going to override whatever it is that you're about to say. So you want to check in with yourself.

Would I say this the same way if I felt calm? That is a great question to ask yourself. And if the answer is no, then you're wanna wait and think about how you can say it so that the message can be received, okay? And that's really what I helped that couple with in the sessions, or one of the things that I helped that couple with is we worked through her hopes, her expectations, her disappointment about her husband not sending a text or calling.

And then we also talked about other ways that she could have approached the conversation. And at the end of the session, they both felt very hopeful and they promised me that they were going to practice the things that I gave them to practice. So we'll see next week if they did or not. Hopefully they're listening to this and this is a reminder. Okay, sign number three is you feel really right, like smugly right. Like I told you so right, okay?

If that is what's going through your head, then I strongly suggest a reframe, okay? Because if you're gearing up to prove a point rather than connect, you are probably about to say something that is going to either derail the conversation or derail the day or the evening. I just had this happen yesterday, as a matter of fact. My husband and I were wanting to go to the soft opening of this brewery in town. It's a new brewery. We wanted to bring our puppy. She's six months old.

And so we had talked about when we wanted to go. Like we wanted to go at a time when people were gonna be there, but not when it was gonna be just completely slammed because that's just hard with a puppy. And we had agreed on a time and then my husband changed the time to, I think it was like 5.30 or something, which you all know at that time, like it is absolutely gonna be slammed. And sure enough, we pull into the parking lot and there's nowhere to park. And in my head, I was like,

Kari Hoskins (07:05.134)
I told you so because my husband's like, oh, it's a soft opening. There's not going to be too many people. It'll be fine. Da, da, da. And in my head, I was like, I told you so, but I didn't say anything. I was just like, honey, could you just run in and assess the situation and figure out if we should go in or not? And it was packed, by the way, but we did find a seat and puppy did amazing. And so was actually a really great experience. But had I said I knew and I told you so, it would have really put

a really crummy start to our really great evening. So I'm really glad that I didn't say anything. So if you want to say, and I told you so type of something, okay, you wanna check in with yourself. Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be heard? Okay, and if you wanna communicate and be heard, what you wanna do is you wanna rework it. So instead of, I told you this would happen if we didn't happen again, if we didn't get on the same page about the budget.

You can say something like, I'm feeling anxious seeing our account overdrawn again. I know we've talked about this before, but I'd really like for us to like come up with the plan and get on the same page. Okay. That is a much better way of saying something. It will be received much better. The fourth sign that what you're about to say could be reframed is if you've said it before and it didn't work, right? So if this is round three or 13 or 36,

of the same complaint, of the same thing, and it keeps like not changing, that is your signal. It is not the content. It's one of two things. It's either your partner has heard you and they don't want to change, or it's the way that you're coming across, it's the way that you're saying it. Okay, it's the framing. So here's your reframe check, okay? Ask yourself, how can I say this differently so that it will change this time?

Okay, so our nature is to say something like, I've told you so many times to start leaving your stuff all around the house. Are you even listening to me? Right, out of frustration. Instead, you can say, I know that I've brought this up before, but I really do think we need to figure out a better system because I'm feeling really overwhelmed when the house gets like this. Can we please figure this out? That is much easier for the person to receive that message and they will be more likely to help you out.

Kari Hoskins (09:29.398)
with whatever it is you want, right? With whatever change it is that you're hoping that they make, okay? And also you're acknowledging the history there. You're saying, look, we've already talked about this. I know we've been here before, okay? So you're doing that without weaponizing it, okay? And you're focusing on your feelings and you're inviting a co-creation of a solution and you're not necessarily demanding compliance. And when you don't demand compliance, people are much more willing to comply.

And the fifth one is if it sounds like blame and not curiosity. Blame feels like a personal attack to people. And if your words suggest that they're the problem, they will literally stop listening to you and start forming their defense. They will start thinking about how they're going to respond to whatever it is that you're saying. So here's an example for you. Why didn't you think to include me in that decision? You never consider how things affect me.

that is going to make your partner or your spouse feel really defensive. Instead, you can be curious. Hey, I'm trying to understand your thinking on that. Can you walk me through your thought process? Okay, I feel kind of left out. I would love to get on the same page with you. Now, obviously with all of these reframes, you need to say them in a way that is you, in a way that is like authentic. This is how I would talk. I ask that all the time. Can you help me understand where you're coming from? Like that is always what I'm saying.

because that's what I want, right? I wanna get on the same page, I wanna understand. But you have to reframe things in a way that is using your language, okay? So if you notice all of these reframe examples that I've given you include how you feel. Like I said before, these are not easy, especially in the moment, if it's a heated moment, or if there's something that you're fired up about. But in order to make it easier, I want to just kind of remind you

of how I did these reframes. I kind of like smattered in the tips as I was going. But just to kind of summarize, the first tip is to pause before you speak. My sister happens to be really great at this. She's very diplomatic. She's a very calm communicator. She has a very calm way of saying things. And what I've noticed about her, and I don't know if it's hard for her or not, I should ask her, but what I noticed is she does not rush into a response.

Kari Hoskins (11:59.34)
and a lot of us rush. She takes a moment and she gathers her thoughts. That is really hard for me. Like I tend to be a very reactive person. And so for me, I have to be really checked in with myself and really self-aware and catch myself if my head isn't in the right place. Okay? And a lot of times what I will say is, okay, I'm trying to figure out how to say this. And that lets the other person know that I'm like trying to do a reframe in my mind.

because I really want them to hear what it is I'm about to say. I actually do this in my coaching sessions too, and I have one client who I just adore and I'll say, okay, hold on, I'm trying to figure out how to say this. And she always will say, just say it, you you can't hurt my feelings, da da. And I so much appreciate that about her. And at the same time, I wanna make sure that whatever it is that I'm about to say is coming across in a way where she doesn't have to manage her mind, where she doesn't have to...

get to a neutral place where she's able just to take my words at face value and apply them because that's like my goal, right, for her and for all of my clients. But she's the one that always says that. And so that's what came to my mind. So you want to ask yourself, OK, before you reframe, why am I saying this? What is the goal of this statement? Right. What am I really trying to get across? OK, and that will help you reframe things.

The second tip I have is to lead with I notice, I feel, or I think statements. you know, I just kind of gave you a reminder that all of the reframes that I had included how you're feeling. And there's a reason for that. It's because it helps the person understand you better. Okay. So describing what you're observing, I noticed that. Describing what you're experiencing or what you're thinking minimizes the potential.

for your partner or your spouse to get defensive. And the third tip I have is to practice, practice, practice before the heat of the moment. Try reframing things during calm moments. Practice asking yourself, how can I say this in a way that they're going to hear me? How can I say this differently? Okay? And I know you guys, feels like a lot of work in the beginning for at least for most people, but with practice, it will become a more normal way for you to think and communicate.

Kari Hoskins (14:23.566)
Now in our relationship and my marriage, if one of us totally loses it and the conversation goes sideways or we say something we're going to regret or something was really inflammatory and the conversation just starts going badly, we will ask for a do-over. can we please have a do-over or can I have a do-over? And the other person almost always says, sure. Because I mean, let's be honest, you can't.

take back what it is you've said and you can't take back the impact that your words had on the other person, but you can try. You can try to reframe it in a way that they can actually hear what it is you're trying to say. And this is also, by the way, you guys, can I have a do-over? This is also a really great example of a relationship repair attempt. If you don't know what a repair is,

go back and listen to last week's episode on what to do after an argument. I teach you all about relationship repairs, okay? So your challenge this week is to think about something that you say often and figure out how it could be said differently so that it's heard differently, right? So you guys, really hope that you found this to be a good refresher or maybe there was a nugget or two in there that is really, really helpful for you so that you can start

using it immediately to improve your communication in your relationship. Now I do want to say, please make sure to come back here next week because we are going to be talking about signs that your relationship might be caught in a mind reading trap. So that is going to be a very fun episode. And the last thing that I want to say is, as we're heading into summertime here, is that if you feel like your relationship is kind of teetering on the edge,

If you're on the edge of crisis, if you're in the middle of crisis and you want help communicating better with your partner and you want help working through it, I do still have some spots available. All you need to do is go check out my website, kahoskins.com. I have more information about my coaching program and how to work with me there. So I invite you to go check it out. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I hope you join me next week.