Episode 21: Can This Relationship Be Saved? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

In this episode we talk about how to the tell the difference between a relationship that can be saved and one that probably can't. I share with you 3 questions to ask yourself if you're feeling stuck and unsure if your marriage is fixable. 

I also share 6 signs that repairing the relationship will be more challening. 

This episode will provide you with clarity and insight into what it really takes to turn a relationship around. 

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.962)
Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. I am really glad that you decided to join me today for this very important topic. Now, I do recognize that I'm pretty sure I say this every single recording, but I really, really do think that today is a pivotal conversation. For those of you who are really unhappy in your relationships, you're feeling stuck.

And frankly, you don't know if your relationship is fixable or even if you want to fix it. And so that's what we're going to be talking about today. How to tell the difference between a relationship that's repairable and one that probably isn't. Now, of course, you don't really know until you have actually given it a shot to, you know, and gone through the process of trying to fix the relationship.

But there really are ways to get a good idea of your odds. And when I'm listening to people talk to me, I can usually tell where they fall, right, into the two categories of relationships. And so I thought that I would share with you my thoughts on this topic. And I wanted to talk about this because the uncertainty of whether or not the relationship can be turned around happens to be

one of the biggest things that keeps people stuck, right? The uncertainty. And they're so worried about making a decision that they're going to regret that they don't do anything. They don't make any decisions. They don't make the decision to go get help fixing the relationship. And they don't make the decision to break up, which means they just continue to live in the status quo.

And for a lot of you, what that means is you're continuing to just kind of exist in a relationship that is unhealthy and often really dysfunctional. And it could literally be sucking the joy out of your life. And I'm really passionate about this stuff, especially if you have kids, because you are modeling for your children what a healthy relationship or marriage looks like. And

Kari Hoskins (02:20.504)
this is always something that really like presses on me as a relationship coach and as an expert in relationships and communication is what are you teaching your children? So I thought that what I would do would share with you three questions that you can ask yourself that can give you a pretty good gauge of which category your relationship falls into. And I'm also going to be sharing with you a few indications

that repairing your relationship is probably going to be quite challenging. Now, I'm not sharing this as a way to dissuade you from trying to fix it. Actually, quite the opposite. If after I go through the signs, you recognize that you have a few of these, I think it's really important that you go get some help working through the issues underlining.

you know, your relationship problems, because it's going to benefit you regardless of what happens in your relationship with the person that you're currently in it with. Regardless of what happens there, it's going to help you in the future if you can work through this. Okay, so I'm going to share with you the three questions. Now, you need to be 100 % honest with yourself when you are thinking about these and reflecting on these, because if you're not honest, it's not going to help you, and you might as well stop listening right now.

So make a commitment that you will be 100 % honest with yourself as you listen to the three questions. So the first question is, do you actually want to fix the relationship? Now I recognize this kind of seems like a well duh question and maybe a stupid question to some of you, but it's actually an incredibly important one, okay? The most common reasons why people get a divorce are things like

communication problems, infidelity or some other type of betrayal of trust, lack of commitment, constant arguing, financial struggles. And the list goes on. You can actually Google the top 10 reasons why people get a divorce. But truthfully, when I read over that list as a relationship coach, I can tell you that almost all of the problems cited are fixable, every single one of them.

Kari Hoskins (04:42.412)
Yes, including infidelity and including betrayal of trust, okay? Here's the truth. You absolutely can turn your relationship around if you both 100 % want to. So obviously, answering yes to this question means that you are more likely gonna show up, you're gonna put in the effort, you're going to be willing to do the uncomfortable things that it takes to repair the relationship. Now,

For most of the people that I work with, and maybe this is true for you too, their answer to this question is, don't know. I don't know if I want to fix this relationship. So if you are on the fence about your marriage or about your relationship, then repairing it is obviously going to be more of a challenge or a struggle because you already have one foot out the door. And when you have one foot out the door, what happens is,

you will subconsciously, usually it's subconscious, you'll subconsciously start sabotaging the restoration process and it is a process, okay? So what I see happening with people is they start dragging their feet. They will start skipping the therapy or the coaching sessions. They will procrastinate on the homework that they have been asked to do. They kind of bring a meh, kind of an energy.

to the sessions, to the relationship, to the process. And something else that I see happening a lot in this situation is they will minimize any progress that's been done. So even if some things have improved, like you can actually see some improvement between the two of you, the mindset is usually, well, it's too little too late. So this clearly is not conducive to fixing the relationship.

So in this situation, I also see people getting in their heads a lot. So because they have one foot out the door, their brain focuses on the issues that are keeping them not committed to the restoration process. And so they do a lot of overthinking and under communicating. And this again, you know, really is an indication they're not committed to the process. So if they're not committed to it, it's not probably going to really work out for you.

Kari Hoskins (07:06.912)
Now, what really gets tricky is when one partner is a yes, they want to fix it and the other one is an I don't know. And honestly, like this is usually the situation that comes to me in my coaching, right? One is willing to do whatever it takes to fix it and the other one is holding back. So when I'm presented with this, what I tend to do is I work with both of the people separately first.

until we can work through some of those underlining issues that they each have. And then once we kind of get to a neutral place, doesn't have to be a good place, doesn't mean that things are solved. But once we get the head space right, then I check back in. Where are you at? Do you want to follow through with this restoration process? And if they both say yes,

then we go ahead and we start meeting as a couple to start tackling the problems that they're facing in their relationship. So then question number two is, are you both willing to take responsibility for your part? Okay. So I'm talking about real ownership here, you guys, which means you need to be willing to reflect on your own patterns. You have to be willing to own the impact or the effect that

the way that you talk to your partner, how you behave, your responses and your reactions to things. You have to be willing to take responsibility for the impact that those things have had on your partner and on the relationship. And you have to be able to do this without flipping it around and placing blame on them. Like you have to own your side of things, okay? And unless we're talking about an abusive situation and that is not what I'm talking about here,

That's a whole nother conversation. Both people have a 100 % responsibility in where their relationship ended up. Both of you do, okay? And so taking responsibility is a huge part of the restoration process. So here are like three, I'm gonna say, indicators that you are taking responsibility. The first one is you're able to say,

Kari Hoskins (09:30.26)
here's what I could have done differently and here's what I'm going to do next time. Right? The second one is that you're able to reflect on your own behavior without immediately turning it back around on your partner. And the last one is that you are willing to change accordingly, okay, even if your partner isn't ready yet, even if your partner is not willing to take responsibility for their part, you're willing to go first, regardless of what they do. Right?

So, and that one's really hard for a lot of people. What I see happening is people say, you know, I'm willing to make changes, but only if they do too, or only if they go first. In reality, in the perfect world, you would both be doing this at the same time, but that's not usually what happens. So if you're willing to take responsibility and go first, that is definitely going to benefit you like through this restoration process. All right.

So ultimately, and I wanna give you some hope here, okay? Ultimately, it does take both of you to take responsibility in order to restore the relationship and then maintain the relationship. But it only takes one of you to be willing to go first. It only takes one of you to be emotionally present and self-aware and proactive to start shifting and turning the relationship, okay? So if you're the only one

owning your part right now, keep going, right? This doesn't mean it's hopeless that your partner is not there yet. It just means that you might need to have some more patience and some more time. Typically, when you get into a situation where you are conflicted about whether or not you want to restore the relationship, those thoughts have been going on and the problems have been going on in the marriage or in the relationship for a long time.

It takes a long time to turn it around and you have to be willing to wait. All right, question three is how willing are you to understand your partner? Okay, so are you willing to really see them? Are you willing to understand what's going on for them? What are their unmet needs? What do they want? What do they desire in the relationship? Why do they act and respond the way that they do? Are you willing to listen?

Kari Hoskins (11:57.474)
Are you willing to try to see things from their perspective, like without judgment, even if you disagree? Right? So you can listen and understand even if you don't agree with whatever their position is or whatever their thoughts are or whatever their feelings are. Even though feelings, there aren't all right and wrong feelings, we still tend as human beings to have opinions and judgments about the way other people feel. So many relationship issues.

stem from feelings of being misunderstood, dismissed, unappreciated, and emotionally disconnected. So if you are willing to take a step back and really get curious about your partner and where they're coming from, that really helps minimize those negative feelings, okay? And of course, like I just said, it takes curiosity, right? It takes setting aside your own story.

your own narrative for long enough to really open up and listen to what they're having to say. But if you can do that, if you are willing to do that, at least try. It can open that door for more emotional connection and more open communication, which is 100 % necessary in order to restore and fix your relationship. So those are the three questions. Where did you land in those?

What I want to say is that as you can see from the questions that I just had you ask, the fixability of your relationship has less to do with the problems in the relationship and more to do with your desire and your willingness to work through the problems ultimately. All right. So there are some very clear signs that repairing your relationship is definitely going to be more of a struggle.

Now these signs do not automatically mean that it's over, but they are really big obstacles to the process. And I don't think that these things should be ignored. So there's six signs. So here we go. The first one is that there's chronic stonewalling. Stonewalling happens when one person emotionally shuts down, refuses to communicate, and refuses to engage, right?

Kari Hoskins (14:18.988)
So when one person repeatedly stonewalls and refuses to engage in conversation, even when calm, safe conversations are possible, this is a pretty big obstacle for you. Now, if you recognize that you're doing this or your partner is doing this, I would encourage you to go back and listen to episode 20, where I talk all about stonewalling and ways that you can try to connect with a partner that does this.

Okay, so sign number two is that there's contempt or disgust, right? So if one of you regularly mocks, belittles, or looks down on the other one, this is really toxic, and it is really, really hard to repair a relationship where there is contempt or disgust for your partner. Sign number three is there's an unwillingness to let go of resentment.

my gosh, guys, resentment. This is such a big topic. I'm going to dedicate an entire podcast episode to this soon because it happens to be one of the things that most people that are struggling in their relationships are dealing with. So if one of you refuses to work through your resentment, it's going to be very hard to repair your marriage or your relationship because resentment literally seeps into every aspect of day.

of your relationship and it affects negatively the restoration process. So the reason why is because resentment is based on feelings that you have about things that happened in the past and it spills over into the present, okay? So whatever disappointments, betrayals, unmet needs or unmet expectations that you have from the past, they influence

how you perceive what's going on right now. And it influences your willingness to put in the work, your willingness to make the changes, which of course negatively impacts the process. And then number five is there's a lot of defensiveness and a refusal to take ownership. So if one of you or both of you never admits fault and is always placing blame,

Kari Hoskins (16:36.29)
then it's really hard to make the changes necessary to get your relationship back on track and keep it there. Because that's the second part of this, it's not just restoring your relationship, but it's moving forward and keeping it in a good healthy place. And then sign number six is that there's no curiosity, right? If neither of you or one of you does not want to understand the other person's experience or perspective anymore,

There won't be healthy open communication. There won't be emotional connection. And you need both of these, like I already said, to make it work. You know, I want you to think back to when you first got into a relationship. When you first get in a relationship, most people want to know what's going on in their partner's head. They want to know their experience. They want to know more about how they're thinking and what they're feeling and what their life is like and what their life and their head is like, right?

And so when you lose that, when you lose the interest, when you lose the curiosity, you lose part of the emotional connection with your partner or your spouse. Now, the signs that I just gave you, these are the signs that it would be really challenging for you to fix your relationship. These things often arise or are seen in long-term relationships, and they're a result of years.

of unresolved problems and years of unprocessed feelings and emotions. And so, you know, all of that has just been like simmering underneath the surface of the relationship, usually for a long time or an extended period of time. And that's what makes it really challenging to overcome, right? So if you recognize that you have these signs,

in your relationship, like I said in the beginning, I would really encourage you to look at getting some help, even if it's just for you to kind of work through some of the stuff that has been going on in the relationship so that you can A, make a good decision about what you want, but then also regardless of what happens with the relationship, you can have healthier relationships in the future and you're not gonna be able to have that unless you resolve

Kari Hoskins (18:57.772)
what's going on in this one, right? At least that's just my opinion. But yeah, seriously, you guys, if you are experiencing that, please consider going and getting some type of help, right? So if you are feeling stuck in your relationship, obviously, like I've just said like 500 times, consider going and getting professional help because overcoming these things is really hard to do on your own. Frankly, if you could have done it on your own, you probably already would have, right?

And so I would advocate for that. If you're interested in working with me, I created something that I call the unstuck method and it's to help individuals and couples who are struggling in their unhappy relationships make a decision of whether or not they want to restore the relationship. And of course, then I offer next steps coaching to help you figure out like what you want to do next and help you through the next part of the process. All right.

Okay, my friends, I hope that you found this helpful and I look forward to talking to you next time.