Episode 18: How to Create Relationship Rituals that Prevent 'Roommate Syndrome'

Rituals aren’t just routines—they are powerful ways to deepen connection and strengthen your relationship. In this episode of Lucky in Love, Kari shares how simple, intentional rituals can prevent “roommate syndrome,” enhance intimacy, and even help couples recover from conflict faster. 

She reflects on her own experiences, from childhood observations of her parents’ rituals to the intentional traditions she and her husband have built. 

Tune in to discover how to identify, create, and cherish the rituals that strengthen your relationship.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.588)

Hey there everyone, how are you guys doing? I think I'm doing pretty good considering I got almost no sleep last night between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. because my husband and I, just got a puppy about three weeks ago and she decided she was not interested in staying in her crate this morning between 2 and 4 a.m. So there was a lot of whining and taking the dog out to make sure she didn't have to go potty and doing all of that. So a little bit tired, but it's okay.

It's worth it. The puppy stage does not last very long and I'm trying to enjoy every second of it. So today we're going to be talking about the power of rituals in your relationship. My husband and I, we have several rituals that have become a really important part of our marriage and it got me thinking about how this isn't something that you hear people talking about unless you're in the world of

therapy or counseling or coaching. It is definitely a topic that comes up a lot in that space. But you don't really hear about it in other areas, even when people are talking about relationships, which is why I thought it would be a conversation worth having. So my question for you is, what rituals do you have, if any, in your relationship?

I think that I've always been attracted to the idea of rituals, especially in relationships, even since I was a little girl. And the reason why is because my parents, they've been married for over 50 years. My entire life, my parents have this ritual. I'm assuming it's a ritual. I wasn't in their marriage, obviously. I was just observing. But they had this ritual of my dad would get home from work and my mom would have snacks and they would sit in the living room like

you know, on the fancy couch living room. And they would talk about whatever, you know, parents and grownups talk about. At least that was my perception at the time, right? Because I was a little girl. But my whole life, that just made me feel like secure. Like I felt like my parents were secure because I observed them connecting every day. Now, obviously I wasn't thinking about it as an eight year old. Oh, there's mom and dad connecting again. That's not

Kari Hoskins (02:20.322)

how I thought about it, but it was just like subconsciously comforting to me. And it was something that I always wanted to emulate in my own relationship as I got older was something that was really important to me. And now I'm actually in a marriage where we do those types of things, where we have those kinds of rituals. And all I can say is that it is such an important part of having a happy, healthy, successful relationship.

So when I asked you, do you have any rituals in your relationship? Like what was the first thing that came to your mind? For a lot of people, their brains go to the habits that they have or the routines that they have. And habits and routines are basically things that we do on automatic pilot. We do them without really thinking. Those are not considered rituals. Rituals are done repeatedly and with intention and

One of the things that sets them apart from say a habit or a routine is that it has meaning for both people involved. So it's just not something that you're doing on automatic pilot. You're doing something with purpose and intention because it means something to you. And couples who have them in their relationship tend to have a much deeper sense of connection with each other. And this is one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about it today. So,

Rituals can also help create a shared sense of identity. Couples who have them tend to definitely feel more connected, like I already said, and more like a team. And research also shows that couples who have regular daily rituals tend to recover from conflict faster than people who do not. And so I think that's another important reason why this conversation needs to be had.

And rituals can also help prevent what we call roommate syndrome, right? Where you and your partner or spouse just end up living like roommates. Having rituals, especially ones that are focused on fun or adventure or affection and physical touch, do actually help keep that spark alive. It helps you remember that you are intimate partners. You're not just roommates taking up the same air in the house.

Kari Hoskins (04:45.292)

So the thing about rituals and that it's all about how you think about the behaviors, right? And how your partner also thinks about the behavior because it's shared meanings. So couples that view things that they do as simply routine rather than rituals, say like a date night or a kiss before bed, those people do not reap the same benefits.

as people who view those things as rituals. So it really is about mindset. So if you Google relationship rituals, they're also known as love rituals, you're going to get a list of common rituals that people have. And I actually very briefly considered giving you a list, but I'm like, you guys know how to Google, you can Google it yourselves. But things like sharing a morning coffee, giving a six second kiss before you leave the house,

greeting each other at the end of the day. These are very common rituals that a lot of couples have. But the truth is, the most meaningful rituals are the ones that just kind of emerge naturally between you and your partner or your spouse. And so I thought I'd share a couple of mine just to kind of get your creative juices flowing and just see if maybe you have some rituals in your relationship that you weren't even aware were there.

So before I retired from academia, I used to be a college professor. And my last year in academia, I was commuting from Northern California to Southern California. So every Monday and Wednesday, I would leave the house at 4.30 in the morning so I'd get to the airport by five. And when I left, my husband was usually asleep. Obviously at 4.30, it's pretty damn early, right? And so what I started doing, I just started it think like on the second day.

that I commuted because it was really crappy leaving that early. But what I started doing was I grabbed a Sharpie and I just started writing love notes on a piece, not a piece of paper, I wrote it on like a paper towel. You know, just things like, love you, XOXO, have a great day, I can't wait to see you, I'm counting down the hours until I come home, things like that. And then I put his coffee cup on it. So the first thing he saw in the morning when he came downstairs,

Kari Hoskins (07:11.308)

was his coffee cup and a note from me. And I did that the entire year that I was commuting from Northern California to Southern California. And that became one of our morning rituals. I would write it and he would read it and he loved it and he told me how much he appreciated it. And so that is like the intention behind it was to remind him how much I love him and I'm thinking about him and I can't wait to see him at the end of the day, right?

And so that is an example of a ritual that emerged because of circumstance, my job, in our life changed. I didn't plan it, it just kind of, you evolved. Other rituals that have evolved for us would be like our sunset date. I know I've talked about that before. Where almost every day, my husband and I have a sunset date where if we at

are at our home in the Bay Area, we go and we usually take the dogs on a walk or we're going to walk around sunset and slow down and talk and connect. If we are at our home in the foothills, our sunset date always takes place in the hot tub with an adult beverage. And again, we just use that time to slow down and talk and connect. But it's definitely a ritual. It is not a habit. It is not routine. It is something we do with

intention and it's something that we both look forward to doing every single day. We also have a fun ritual before bed. I know most people like kiss before bed. We do four kisses before bed and I don't even remember like how the four it ended up being four because it definitely started out like most people one quick kiss before bed and it just kind of morphed and evolved into four and we do that

regardless of how we're feeling. So if one of us doesn't even feel good, like we're feeling sick, we still do it. If we are at odds with each other, because we don't necessarily always settle our disagreements like in the same day, sometimes we need to take a break. And so we'll go to bed and we're still not feeling so great about each other. we're like, this kind of sucks. We still do the four kisses. And this helps both of us feel more connected, even though we're not super pleased with each other.

Kari Hoskins (09:28.954)

and it helps you just feel safe and secure, helps us feel safe and secure in our relationship. So there are rituals that you can create pretty much around everything, including when one of you is having a bad day or after an argument or after a conflict. So one of the things that my husband and I do, one of our rituals, if one of us is having a bad day or

if we've just kind of like resolved a conflict and we're feeling emotionally drained, we touch our foreheads to each other. So depending on where we're at, either my husband will bend down and he'll touch his forehead to mine, or he'll sit down and I'll walk between his legs and we'll touch our foreheads. And we close our eyes and we take a couple of deep breaths together and we just kind of settle in. And it reminds us that we are grounded. It reminds us that we're a team.

that we've got each other's back. It's like non-verbally saying, I got you, right? This is one of the most comforting rituals that I think that we have. It definitely brings me a sense of security and connection and comfort. And I know it does the same with my husband because we've talked about it. And so that is another thing is rituals are things that you talk about.

and you talk about how much they mean to you and what they mean to you. And that's another thing that sets them apart, say from a habit or from a routine. And you can also have rituals that happen just like once a year, right? So our January ritual is we just pick a day in January and we sit down and we talk about what we want to accomplish as a couple in the upcoming year. We own a business and so we oftentimes talk about the business. We'll talk about my coaching.

practice and how we can help each other with that. And we also talk about places we'd like to explore or things that we would like to do. And it gives us things to look forward to in the upcoming year. And this is also one of my favorite rituals that we have because it's fun. It is fun to dream together and make plans together about the upcoming year. And if you happen to have any favorite vacation spots or a place that you love,

Kari Hoskins (11:45.292)

or place that you really enjoy traveling to, there can be rituals around those too, right? So like I said earlier, my husband and I have property and a beautiful home in the foothills of Northern California. And this is like one of our very, very favorite places to go and be. In fact, this is where I'm recording it right now. And when we drive away, we're always so sad when we leave, but when we drive away, we say, bye house.

He'll say, bye house. And I say, bye house. And it may seem totally silly to you guys listening, but to us, it's very meaningful because this is a place that we love. It's a place that we have both worked on, blood, sweat, and tears. It was a very significant part of our courtship and our dating. And so when we say bye house, it's just kind of a reminder of how we have another place where we have shared memories.

And so it's a ritual that we both enjoy. And even if we're in separate cars, like sometimes we'll drive separately, we both say, house, in our separate cars, of course. So if you're struggling to think of, you know, any rituals in your relationship, I would suggest that you take a look at those routines and the habits that you already have, and you pick one or two and ask yourself, why do we do this? How did it start?

What does it mean to me? And then you talk to your spouse about it and see what it means to them. And if it feels special, you can claim it, like verbally claim it to each other as one of your things, as one of your rituals. And then you start doing it with actual real intention, meaning you're doing it with thoughtfulness. You're doing it with purpose. And the purpose is to remind yourselves that you are a team and that you are connected and that you are

in this together, right? And so all of these moments, I like to think of them, or I'm sorry, rituals, I like to think of them as micro moments of intimacy. And you don't need to have a million of them. Just a few can definitely help you feel closer and stay connected throughout your day, your week, your month, or even your entire relationship. Okay, my friends.

Kari Hoskins (14:06.314)

I hope that you found this at least interesting. If you have any rituals, I would love it if you could drop that in the comments because I love to see what other people are doing in their relationships and it's just fun to see what other people do. Okay, my friends, I hope that you have a great week and I will talk to you next time.