Lucky In Love

Episode 17: 8 Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble—And How to Fix It

• Kari Hoskins • Season 2 • Episode 17

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In this episode of Lucky in Love, we're diving into a crucial but often overlooked topic: the early warning signs that your relationship might be heading toward trouble. I’ll walk you through eight telltale signs of emotional disconnection—ranging from increasing criticism and lack of meaningful conversation to avoidance and fantasizing about leaving.

Many couples don’t recognize these red flags until it's too late, but the good news is that awareness is the first step toward repair. If you see yourself or your partner in these patterns, don’t panic—I’ll also share actionable steps to rebuild your connection, from honest communication to small but powerful changes in daily interactions.

Plus, I’ll recommend my favorite books and past podcast episodes that can help you strengthen your relationship before it’s too late. And if you’re ready for deeper guidance, I offer coaching designed to help couples reconnect and thrive.

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Kari Hoskins (00:00.61)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the podcast. I am delighted that you are joining me today. We are going to be talking about eight telltale signs that your relationship might be in hot water or headed there. And I'm also at the end going to share with you some things that you can do right now if you recognize any of these signs in your own relationship.

Now I know you guys that this is not the most uplifting topic, but it is a very important one. In fact, if you are one of the lucky people that is in a happy, healthy relationship, I think this is really critical for you because recognizing the early signs is a really important part of making sure that your relationship stays on track. And unfortunately,

So many people do not recognize that they are in the beginning stages of the relationship kind of shifting in a negative way until like they get so far in. One or both of them doesn't actually want to turn it around anymore. In fact, when I meet with clients like in our last session, one of the things that I ask them is, you know, if you could go back in time.

and wave a magic wand and change anything about the past, what would you change? And almost every single person says the same thing, that they wish they would have gotten help sooner. And I think that one of the reasons why people don't get help sooner is because it's kind of like the frog in boiling water idea, where the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns just become normal.

and they become a normal part of the relationship. And then by the time they recognize it, one of them is so unhappy that they lose interest in turning it around. They lose interest in repairing the parts that need to be repaired. So that's really why I wanted to talk to you about this today. Okay, so there are eight signs that I think are pretty recognizable once you kind of have them on your radar.

Kari Hoskins (02:18.54)
So the first sign is that you are quick to find fault in things that your partner or your spouse says or does. And basically you just have very little tolerance of them. Or your partner is consistently finding fault in things that you do or you say and you really get the feeling that they have very little tolerance for you. Another sign is that what your partner thinks, their opinions,

And even what they feel is starting to matter less and less to you. Or you get the idea that it's the other way around. Your thoughts and your feelings don't really matter very much to your significant other. Sign number three is that your conversations have shifted. Where before you used to talk about really meaningful, vulnerable things, now you really stick to very surface-y.

non-emotional, non-vulnerable types of topics, right? So there's very minimal, meaningful conversations happening. Basically, you're sharing less and less about yourself because you're keeping that really close to your vest. And then sign number four is that you're recognizing or realizing that you are disagreeing more about the small stuff, about the mundane things, about the things that don't really need to be argued about. So,

If you recognize any of these four signs going on in your relationship, now is the time to really take note of it and to turn it around or start considering doing some things to turn it around if ultimately what you want is to continue having a happy, healthy relationship. And I will be sharing with you in just a second some things that you can do. But there are more signs.

So sign number five and five, six, seven, and eight, these signs really happen like once a big emotional disconnection has settled in. So sign number five is that you start to feel indifferent about your partner or your spouse. You don't really enjoy their company anymore and you're kind of standoffish and you're indifferent or

Kari Hoskins (04:38.22)
your spouse is standoffish and indifferent to you and you get the feeling that they don't really wanna be around you, which leads to number six. There's avoidance going on. Either you start coming home later and later, or they start coming home later and later, or you find excuses to leave the house when your partner's in the house or vice versa, right? Or you leave the room when they walk in, things like that. Usually,

When avoidance starts to happen, you will also see that maybe you use your kids as a buffer. So, you know, I'll take so-and-so to soccer and you can take so-and-so, you know, hang out with them at home. And it's less about dividing and conquering and more about avoiding being around each other. Sign number seven is that intimacy and affection have dwindled or are non-existent, right? So you stop holding hands.

You stop hugging, kissing. You're basically living like roommates. By the time people get to this point, they are typically either sleeping separately, like one person's on the couch and one person's in the bed, or they're sleeping in two different bedrooms. And sometimes what I will see is couples at this stage will continue sleeping in the same bed, but there's like this invisible wall. They don't touch and it's just...

they might as well be in separate rooms at that point. And then sign number eight is that one of you has started really fantasizing and daydreaming about what it would look like to leave, what it would look like to break up. So these are the eight signs. And as you can see, like from sign number one to sign number eight, they've kind of like gotten bigger and the roots

of the problems kind of get a little bit deeper, which is why I think that recognizing, you know, signs one through four is a really critical part of relationships and a really big part of making sure that you're intentional about repairing it when you see that it might be starting to go off tracks a little bit. So what can you do if you recognize that this is your relationship?

Kari Hoskins (07:01.036)
Well, if it is your partner who you think maybe is the more emotionally distant one, if it's your partner that you suspect is really unhappy, then I suggest obviously sitting down and having an honest heart-to-heart conversation about it. And the key with this conversation is to really make sure that you make it clear that you're not gonna be judgmental, you're not gonna get upset.

You want to know what's going on with them and you want to know how they're feeling and what they're thinking. Okay. So that is really important. and ask them like, what's not like, what's not working for you? What can we do here? What is the source of the problem? And you need to have again, like really open, honest conversations. If you're the person that is discontent, if you are the person that is creating or,

perpetuating the emotional distance or disconnection, then you need to dig down deep and really figure out why. Like when did it start? What was the turning point? There's usually something that's unresolved, something that hasn't been processed all the way through. And so it's oftentimes feelings of resentment or...

like defensiveness that people have not worked through and it just is like this low hum underneath the relationship. So I would do some soul searching there and you want to look at what are some of your recurring thoughts about your partner, about your relationship? Are there any misunderstandings that continue to happen? What unmet needs do you think you or they are experiencing? Like these are the things that you need to really reflect on and consider.

And then of course, you need to follow through and have a conversation with your partner or your spouse about it. That is how you kind of put the brakes on the crumble of the relationship, for lack of a better word. And I think it's also really important to recognize that regardless of who is the most discontent, it doesn't matter if it's you or your partner, you can start to show them appreciation.

Kari Hoskins (09:19.698)
even if you're not totally feeling it. So many relationships have such a lack of gratitude and appreciation. And just showing a little bit of that to your partner, even if you're the person that's not super happy, can at least create a pathway to open up meaningful conversation where there's less defensiveness. Because when somebody feels appreciated, they're typically less defensive.

I would also suggest if you're interested in turning things around, because you recognize some of these signs, to start doing things maybe that you used to do together, things that will connect you, things that you enjoy or used to enjoy doing together. You need to do something to reestablish that emotional connection. That is the only real way to turn things around. So if you think you could use some help, but you are not ready for professional help,

I have a few suggestions for you. Of course, my go-to is always just educating yourself, right? So you could listen to books, read books. My three favorite books are Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman. I also recommend It Begins With You by Gillian Turecki. And I just love The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. These are great resources for you to...

just kind of learn more about relationships and how to turn them around. I would also suggest if you haven't done so already, to go back and listen to a couple of my previous podcast episodes. I highly recommend episode two, how to create a relationship that feels effortless. Episode seven, what reality are you creating with your language? And episode 14, which is six essential relationship skills. These are great.

episodes that might be able to kind of help you figure out how to help your relationship. Now, of course, I think professional help is a no-brainer, especially in the early phases of the discontentedness. Find someone that you really vibe with, that you really like, and I would suggest that you find someone who is well-versed in relationship repair and has tools beyond just having a conversation.

Kari Hoskins (11:47.913)
Talking and getting things off your chest is really important, but that only gets you so far. In fact, I was talking to a friend of mine last night about this, how it does, you know, it feels cathartic to talk to people about what's going on in your relationship, but that doesn't necessarily help you solve the problem or move forward. So you need to find someone who has that skillset and that can teach you those tools. Now, if you are curious about how coaching can help you, then please, you guys,

head over to my website, it's kahoskins.com and just check out the different types of coaching that I offer. And I also have my prices on my website as well. So you can click the schedule, the let's chat button or the schedule of free consultation. And if you happen to follow me on social media, which by the way, if you don't, please do that, it's at Keri Hoskins coaching on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

But if you are on social media and you do follow me, then please feel free to send me a DM and let me know you're interested in having a conversation about your situation and how I might be able to help you. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I hope that you have a fantastic week and I will talk to you soon.