Episode 15: Why 'Would I Be Happier If We Broke Up?' Is the Wrong Question to Ask in Your Relationship

n this episode, Kari Hoskins tackles a common dilemma many face in relationships: the thought that breaking up might be the key to happiness. She argues that this mindset often leads to confusion and overlooks the more essential question to ask—one that promotes clarity and emotional growth. Kari introduces six powerful happiness habits to help listeners improve their well-being, emphasizing personal agency, self-reflection, and positive relationship practices. These strategies empower individuals to make informed decisions, foster emotional resilience, and cultivate lasting happiness, both within themselves and their relationships. Tune in for practical advice and actionable insights on navigating relationship challenges.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.664)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the podcast. So today's topic is near and dear to my heart because it is one that I lived through. Up until now, I haven't really spent very much time at all, like specifically addressing some of the problems that you all are having in your relationships. And I have not talked at all about kind of what you go through.

when you are contemplating or considering breaking up or getting a divorce. But I think it is high time that I start addressing some of these struggles and issues that many of you are dealing with. So if you are in a good place right now, first of all, that is awesome and amazing. And I want to encourage you to go ahead and listen to today's episode because

the six things that I'm going to be sharing at the end actually applies to everybody, not just people who are struggling in their relationships. But what I wanted to specifically kind of talk about and how I wanted to frame this today was I wanted to share with you some things or some things specifically that I have noticed that people do when they are not happy in their relationship.

What I have found is that when people are really struggling, they start questioning their relationship and they start contemplating if breaking up or getting a divorce would be a good option for them. But one of the things that I've noticed is that they are asking themselves the wrong questions. Now, today I'm going to focus on really the first wrong question that I see a lot of people asking themselves.

And when I say wrong, what I mean by that is this one particular question that they're asking themselves actually hinders their decision-making. It clouds their thinking versus helping them get more clarity and helping them think through what it is that they really want. So in future episodes, I am going to be giving you some specific, more helpful questions. But for today, I'm going to focus on the most common one that I hear.

Kari Hoskins (02:25.876)
So if you are feeling stuck or unhappy in your relationship or marriage, if you are torn between trying to fix things or walking away, you are probably asking yourself some version of this question as well. And here's what it is. It's would I be happier if we broke up or got a divorce? Now, this is not the most helpful question to ask.

And I'm going to give you basically two reasons why. The first reason is that this is the kind of question that literally keeps you trapped in an endless loop of uncertainty. Because after all, how can you really know the answer to that question? I've been there. Trust me, you can't until you actually make a decision and follow through with it. The second reason why I think this isn't the best question to be asking yourself

is because what if the choice you make either way doesn't end up making you happier? Like in the long run, does that automatically mean that you made the wrong decision? And I don't think so, not necessarily. I mean, I can think of numerous examples in my life where I made a choice thinking it was gonna make me happier. It did not make me happier, but...

I still think it was the right decision for me because it did add to my life in other ways, not just my happiness. And so I think, especially in terms of relationships, happiness is not the only thing obviously to consider. And the truth is that it's not as simple as breaking up equals happiness. In fact, research actually supports this. There have been so many studies that have shown

that most people who divorce end up just as unhappy five years later than those who are unhappy and choose to stay in their marriages. Like yikes, right? Because you don't want to go through all that pain and all that heartache to end up exactly, you know, unhappy just like you are now, just in different ways. So this is exactly why I want to kind of shift the conversation a little bit. I want to offer you

Kari Hoskins (04:46.954)
a more helpful question to ask yourself. One that can help you is this. What can I do right now to be just a little bit happier? This very simple shift in your focus can quite literally change everything for you. And I know that that one little shift changed a lot for me personally all those years ago when I was really struggling in my first marriage.

So the reason why I think that this question really benefited me personally and could benefit you is for a couple reasons. First, it helps remind you that you are in charge of your own happiness. And just like taking ownership and really leaning into your agency, I think is really beneficial for most of us. The second reason is because finding ways that are in your control to increase your happiness

can give you more insight into the real reasons you're unhappy or unsatisfied in your relationship, which in turn gives you more clarity about what it is that you really want and the best way to go about getting it. And the third reason why I think this is a more beneficial question for people to be asking is when you've gotten to a place where you actually are just a little bit happier despite the quality of your relationship.

That's when you're in the best place to start making decisions about your future. You don't want to make decisions about your future from a place of pain and misery and really kind of scarcity. So in today's episode, I'm going to be walking you through what I call, I think they're pretty, I think they're pretty powerful. I call them the six happiness habits.

And these are habits that if you commit to them just for three months, they can definitely increase your happiness and give you more insight into what it is that you really want. I did this personally. did all six of these. Now I did not do them all at the same time. I started with the first one and I actually put this in like kind of descending order of the way that I practice this in my own life over about the time period of about a year and a half.

Kari Hoskins (07:13.134)
So these habits are not just, like I said in the beginning, for those of you in a challenging relationship or for those of you that are uncertain about your relationship, they're for anyone really who wants to feel just like more joy or clarity no matter where you are in your life. Like for example, if you are struggling at work and you don't know whether or not you want to stay in your current job, this would be a great thing for you to start doing as well, like in terms of work.

It's definitely applicable to numerous areas of your life. So as you're listening to these six happiness habits, I would encourage you to pick just like one or two that sound interesting to you and give it a shot for like three months. Like that's always my go-to. My go-to is 90 days or three months, just to see how things go. Cause at least in my experience, that's about how long it takes for you to start seeing results or not in your life.

Okay, so here they are. Happiness habit number one is the happy smile laugh list. So every day, either at the end of the day or throughout your day, take a moment and jot down just three to five things that made you or make you feel happy, made you smile, or made you laugh that day. And like I said, you can do this at the end of the day or throughout the day when it happens. I used to try to do it throughout the day.

you guys but this is not a gratitude list. Honestly when I am not in a good place, gratitude lists just don't work for me. I think it's because I feel like this self-imposed invisible obligation to put things on the gratitude list that I in quotations should be grateful for or thankful for and then what ends up happening as I put them on the list even though I'm not really feeling it and then I feel guilty for not feeling it and it's just this whole like

vicious cycle that does not help me. So that's why I started the happy smile laugh list. So this list is really about pinpointing those little sparks of joy, however small. So what brings you happiness in your heart when you think about it? Pick three or five things every single day. Now some days you might have like literally the exact same list. That's okay.

Kari Hoskins (09:38.542)
write it down anyway. It doesn't matter how many days in a row you only have the same three things, it still matters. So for me, there was a period in my life where literally only three things made my list every single day. It was my oldest daughter, Katie. It was her laugh. I love her laughter. It was my younger daughter, Avery, singing in the shower. The kid cracks me up. And it was always something that our goofy dog,

quarter would do. So for a period of about two months, those are the only three things that were consistently on my list and that's okay. So I would do this list every day for at least three months and I suggest writing it down and just see if that kind of lifts your mood just a little bit. So happiness habit number two is to pick something fun to do for yourself every week. Something that you look forward to.

So once a week you commit to doing something just for you. It could be anything that lights you up. For me, I would take a dance class through parks and recs. I love dancing. It makes me feel joy no matter what is going on in my life. So it needs to be something that makes you happy or brings you joy, no strings attached. And this is a habit that frankly I recommend to everybody.

Even if you're like over the moon happy, it's still a really great practice for you to get into. But I have to tell you guys, the purpose here is not to distract yourself from your life or from your relationship problems or issues. The purpose of it is to add to your life. So it's not really a distraction. It's just a weekly relief from things that might be going on. Happiness habit number three is intentionally feed your soul.

your mind and your body. And this is one of my like one of the favorites amongst a lot of my clients. So every week do something that nurtures all the parts of you. For your soul maybe it's meditation or prayer, reading the Bible or maybe it's journaling or writing poetry. Whatever feeds your soul. For some of you feeding your mind might be

Kari Hoskins (12:00.716)
watching a how-to video on YouTube. I know like my husband loves watching like those tractor videos and he watches like how to do different things, you know, with all of his big equipment or whatever. Like if there's a project coming up, he loves to binge on how-to videos. That definitely feeds your mind. Read an interesting book, decide to learn a new language, try a new recipe if you enjoy cooking anything.

that feeds your mind. And then the last of course is for your body. I really suggest that you find something that gets you moving, but it can be as simple as sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor for 15 minutes, because that actually is very good for your body as well. So for me, it's, love yoga. I actually don't like yoga. I actually like Bikram yoga. I kind of get bored in regular yoga.

But like for me, it's Bikram yoga or it's taking a walk or lifting weights for some of you It might be going on a bicycle ride with your kids It might be going for swim or surfing or basketball. Whatever your thing is. Maybe it's a motorcycle ride, right? So this trifecta of feeding your soul your mind and your body is really helpful for a lot of people

Happiness habit number four is identify your HRTs. I kind of made this up, but I love it. And I refer to it a lot in my coaching. So HRTs, we all have them. Those are happiness robbing thoughts, right? So these are the thoughts that sneak into your mind and like suck the joy from you, okay? So maybe it's when you start thinking about how your partner never does this or always does that.

or maybe you start thinking about expectations, desires, wants of your partner and they're just not meeting those and that robs the joy from you or sucks the joy from you. So the moment you catch those sneaky little thoughts, those HRTs, I want you to interrupt them, okay? Identify what it is and then change the subject in your mind and redirect your focus. It takes practice but...

Kari Hoskins (14:20.15)
changing your focus away from your HRTs is definitely going to help increase your happiness on a daily regular basis.

Happiness habit number five is examine the shoulds in your life. And I think that this is really a bigger thing than most people realize, because most people don't spend very much time thinking about this. But take a look at those shoulds. So what are the shoulds? The shoulds are the things that you're telling yourself that you should do or ways that you should feel.

And I want you to question them. Are they serving you? Are they just adding to your pressure? Are they just making you feel worse? Like what I said in the beginning about why gratitude lists don't really help me or serve me. It's because I felt this pressure that I should write certain things down, even when I'm not feeling it and I'm not very good at faking it. So that was definitely not helpful for me. So you want to identify where your shoulds are coming from and question them, okay? And just kind of start releasing those things.

you would be surprised at how shoulds can really negatively affect your life and the way that you're thinking about your relationship or your marriage. And what most people I think don't realize is that our shoulds are usually not really grounded in anything concrete. They are usually passed down to us, right? So they're like family imposed, culturally imposed, or self-imposed beliefs that

someone just kind of decided should happen or shouldn't happen. And this can add to our pressure and detract from our happiness. And then happiness habit number six, and this is the last one. And this for me really changed everything. I did the first five. And again, like I said in the beginning, I did this over about a year, a little bit over.

Kari Hoskins (16:21.11)
like a year and three months to a year and a half and by the time I got to this one, I was ready for it. So happiness habit number six is completing the sentence, I'd be happier if dot dot dot. Whatever comes after that if, whatever follows that, that's what you need to start working on. So I'd be happier if we had better communication. You need to create a plan to start working on your communication.

But if you follow that with, I'd be happier if my partner wasn't angry all the time, or if my partner did this or my partner did that, then you have to recognize that that's not in your control. So what about that is in your control? And I would say it's really about you figuring out how you can deal with whatever that behavior is.

that is making you in quotations unhappy or dissatisfied in your relationship. So I think that this one's really a game changer for you if you're unhappy in your relationship, your marriage, because it gives you specific things to work on or get help with, which can in turn really give you clarity and help you decide what you want. So my question for you is,

Which of these habits are interesting to you? Are there any that you're willing to try for the next three months? I would start with just one and see what shifts for you. See what shifts for you in your life, what shifts for you in your relationship. I really sincerely believe that this stuff works. Otherwise, I wouldn't be sharing it with you on this podcast. And once you get started, for a lot of people, when they are questioning their relationship or their marriage, they're really in a funk.

And it's hard to kind of get motivated and get started, but I'm gonna tell you the stuff that I've just told you to try It's not that hard and once you get started. It really doesn't take a lot of time or a lot of effort it really does get easier and Honestly, I'm in a really really great happy place right now in my life, but these are still my go-to habits like if I Kind of feel myself getting in a little bit of a slump

Kari Hoskins (18:44.254)
or if my husband makes a comment or points out that maybe I seem to be more negative than usual, that's my sign. I check in with myself to see what's going on and I purposely pick one of these and we'll start to do these. And for me, it doesn't take very long for the shift to happen. I do, however, think it's important to point out and just say that life, you guys, life is 50-50 and...

The purpose here is not to be in a constant state of happiness. I think that's not only unrealistic and impossible, it's also not healthy. So you have to be willing to recognize that frustration, anger, sadness, unhappiness is part of the human experience. And without hardship, without some challenges, without a little bit of sadness,

times of happiness frankly would not mean as much. At least this is my opinion. You might have a different opinion but this is mine. But this can definitely help you and like these six happiness habits can help you get yourself through a particularly difficult time and it can really enable you to make good clear decisions for your future that are coming from a place of abundance versus coming from a place of scarcity.

Okay my friends, I hope that you enjoyed today's episode and I hope that you start your own happiness habit this week. I would love to hear from you so please let me know how it goes. I will be posting this on social media so you can drop your, like how you're doing in the comments and I'll talk to you next week.