Episode 13: Does Your Relationship Need Boundaries?

In this episode of Lucky in Love, we dive into the topic of boundaries in relationships. What are boundaries, and why are they so important? We discuss the telltale signs that your relationship might need boundaries, practical tips for setting them, and how they can strengthen your connection with your partner. Whether you're in a new relationship or years into one, this episode is packed with insights to help you build a healthier, happier dynamic with your significant other. 
Takeaways

Boundary setting is crucial for healthy relationships.
Many people confuse requests with actual boundaries.
A boundary consists of unacceptable behavior and a response.
It's important to communicate how you will respond if a boundary is crossed.
Recognizing feelings of disrespect or resentment can indicate a need for boundaries.
Common boundaries include issues around intimacy, privacy, and communication.
Your partner is not responsible for respecting your boundaries; you are.
Consistent violation of boundaries may indicate a lack of respect.
Setting boundaries can prevent larger issues in relationships.
Navigating boundary setting can be challenging but is essential for relationship health.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.622)
Hey there, friends, welcome back to the podcast. I am so glad that you are joining me today. So I was really thinking about, I've been thinking a lot this week on what I want this next season of Lucky in Love to look like. And I wanted to start January off by talking about some of the concepts and things that have helped my clients the most in the past couple of years.

And as I was reflecting, realized that boundary setting is actually a really big one. In fact, if more of my clients had set boundaries early in their relationship, they could have avoided many of the problems that they're facing right now. When you don't set boundaries in relationships, you run the risk of compromising your needs.

your values and maybe even your goals. And this frankly leads to a lot of unhappiness that builds up and that can destroy your relationship. And what I'm seeing is five, 10, 15 years down the road into a relationship, there is so much resentfulness for the partner that they lose the desire to even try to restore

the relationship. And if you don't have a desire to restore your relationship, then that relationship isn't going to work in the long run. So today what I'm going to do for you is I'm going to clarify for you what a boundary is, how to set one, because there's actually a lot of confusion there. And I'm also going to talk to you about how to know if your relationship could use a boundary or two. Okay.

So if you're in a new relationship, now for sure is the time to really start paying attention to how you're feeling around certain behaviors and patterns that you are going to start experiencing in this new relationship with this new person. For those of you who have been in a relationship for a long time, I would suggest that you just reflect on some areas where you think a boundary might make this relationship

Kari Hoskins (02:25.656)
better for you. So I have found that most people think that they know what a boundary is, but in reality, they don't. I actually went to TikTok because I know that this is where a lot of people are getting their information from. So I went to TikTok. I watched about 20, maybe a little bit more than 20 videos of people trying to teach or explain what boundaries are or what a boundary is.

And of all the videos that I watched, only one of them actually got it right. I actually wish I would have written that person's name down because I would have given them a shout out, but I didn't. And it was too many to go back and search for it. So there's a lot of misinformation out there about what a boundary actually is. So let me help you. First of all, the purpose of a boundary is to help your relationship run smoothly. Boundaries help you feel

valued and respected. A boundary tells your partner what is acceptable and what is unacceptable for you. Okay? But what I see people doing is they're having a conversation with their significant other about something that they don't like. So I don't like it when you use that tone of voice with me, when you talk to me when you're upset. Please don't do that anymore. And this is where the conversation ends. And they think that they've set

a boundary. You guys, this isn't a boundary. This is a request. Okay? A boundary has two parts. The first part is that line that you don't want to be crossed. It's the unacceptable behavior. In this case, maybe it's using a certain tone of voice. The second part, and this is the part that people don't do, and this is the most important part, actually. The second part is your response, what your response is going to be.

If your partner or spouse violates your boundary, if they cross that line, what are you going to do? Okay? So if you use this tone of voice with me, I'm going to stop the conversation. That I'm going to stop the conversation is actually the most important part of this because you're telling your partner what you're going to do in response to this unacceptable way of talking to you. Okay?

Kari Hoskins (04:52.086)
So I had a client who had been married for 12 years and he was miserable in his relationship and he did not know how to turn it around. And one of the big issues that he had is how his wife was talking to him, not only in private, but especially in front of their family and their friends. And he'd been having conversations with his wife about this, about how she would talk to him specifically in front of their friends.

because he feels like she talks disrespectfully to him and kind of calls him out and makes fun of him and, you know, says things at his expense when they're hanging out with people. And he hates it. He feels very disrespected. He doesn't talk to her like that. And he gets really angry and he's really frustrated because they've had multiple conversations about it. They've gotten into so many fights, but she continues to talk to him like this in front of people.

I just said, look, you need to set a boundary. He thought he had set a boundary. He hadn't. He'd simply told his wife that he didn't like it. And then he expected her to change her behavior. Right. But she didn't. Okay. So I just asked him, what are you going to do next time this happens? Besides sit there and be angry and stew. And that's usually what happened. Right. So that's the part that's been missing for him the whole time. So here's how you have that boundary setting conversation.

I think there are three steps. The first one is to tell your significant other the behavior or the thing that is not acceptable to you or no longer acceptable to you. Then you tell them why this isn't cool with you, how it's impacting you, how you feel when this thing happens. And then this is the most important part. This is the part two, is you give them a heads up about how you're going to respond if it happens again.

Now the purpose of a boundary is not to get them to stop the behavior. It's to let them know, yourself know, and them know what you're going to do if that behavior continues. So if it does happen, again, your job is to follow through on your response. Okay? So this guy, he had a conversation with his wife. He told her again how it makes him feel. He feels disrespected and embarrassed, but this time,

Kari Hoskins (07:17.762)
He let her know that if she does it again, he's gonna politely leave the conversation. He's not gonna get upset. He's just gonna remove himself from the conversation. Or if they're out at dinner or if they're at a party, he's going to leave. He's gonna call an Uber and he's gonna leave without making a scene. And he's also gonna take a pass next time they're invited out with their friends. So that is what he's going to do in response, okay?

Now his job at this point is to follow through with his part should she cross the line again. So boundaries are really helpful for so many reasons, but one of them is that they will give you a sense of agency because you can't control what your partner or spouse does, but you can control how you respond to them and their behavior. Also setting and keeping boundaries.

helps reduce any negative feelings that you might have towards your partner as a result of certain behaviors. And it's those negative feelings that create that unhappiness for a lot of people. So really quickly, what is the difference between a boundary and ultimatum? Because let's be honest, they pretty much sound the same, right? So ultimatums are typically thrown out there when you feel like you absolutely can't take it anymore.

and ultimatums tend to be extreme. In some cases, they're used as a last ditch effort to get your partner to change their behavior and to save the relationship. And ultimatums definitely, I think, feel like threats or punishments. And the person on the receiving end of them usually feels like they're being told what to do, which nobody likes being told what to do, right? And so they generally are not received well.

when that client first came to me, he was like, I am done. He wanted to tell his wife that he wasn't going to take it anymore. And the next time she did this in front of their friends, he was going to divorce her. Okay. That is a very extreme response. So then that's why I suggested, let's start with the boundary setting first before we go to divorce. Right? So how do you know if you could use a boundary in your relationship? Well, there are

Kari Hoskins (09:37.868)
Two, think, pretty clear signs. The first one is basically how you feel. If there's something that your significant other does that makes you feel disrespected, devalued, or you notice that you're becoming resentful around a particular behavior, that's typically a sign that you need a boundary. When my husband and I were dating, we were in a long distance relationship. I'm from Southern California.

in and from Northern California. And so I spent many, many, years flying up to see him like once a week. And when I would get there, I always had ample time and I could give him all of my attention because I would get my work done before I landed. Well, then we got married and moved into their moved in together, got married and about six months down the road. What I realized is that I was starting to feel resentful.

because he would like come in and want me to do things for him that usually had like a short, like a deadline, like, hey, I need you to drop this off at UPS in the next two hours. And I was trying to get my work done. And what I was doing was I was dropping my stuff to accommodate his stuff over and over again. And I was not only getting really stressed out, I was a college professor, I had a lot of grading, I had a lot of test writing.

and lesson plans and teaching and all that stuff to do. And so I was getting really stressed out because my deadlines were approaching and I was putting my stuff off and I was becoming really reasonable. So about six months in I was like, man, I really need, I need a boundary around this. So I just had a conversation with him. You know, I have more than happy to do these things for you. I just need you to ask me in advance.

If you don't ask me at least a day in advance, I'm going to have to let you know that I'm not going to be able to do it. Okay. And it only took a couple of times for me to say, no, I'm sorry. I can't do that today. I can, I might be able to do it tomorrow and let me look at my calendar before he was like, Oh, she's serious. And he, you know, now what he does is he says, Hey, babe, I have this thing that I needed to get done. there any way that you could help me out in the next day or two?

Kari Hoskins (11:57.262)
and I am always more than happy to help him out, right? Because now he gives me advanced notice, okay? And I feel really great because he's respecting my boundary. And by the way, if you're a people pleaser, then it is likely that you need boundaries that are similar to that, boundaries around your time. People pleasers tend to drop their things to accommodate other people.

Another indication that you might need a boundary is if you've had multiple conversations with your partner or spouse about the same thing, about the same behavior, you've requested that they start or stop something, but nothing changes, right? You've had these over and over again, like my client earlier in the episode that I was talking about. Okay. So multiple conversations can definitely indicate that you need to actually set a boundary around that. So what are some common

boundaries that people have in their relationships. Things around sex and intimacy. For example, if you drink too much, if you get buzzed or if you get drunk, whatever your line is, right, I'm not going to have sex with you. I'm not going to be intimate with you. This is a very common boundary that a lot of people have in their relationships. How your significant other interacts with or behaves with

people of the opposite sex, if you're in a heterosexual relationship or the same sex, if you are in a same sex relationship. These are important boundaries that sometimes need to be set depending on your partner's personality or proclivities. Privacy and transparency are other areas where some people might need to set a boundary. I had a client who had a really big issue with his girlfriend.

around like reorganizing his stuff. Now for most people, having your partner reorganize your stuff is not a big deal, but for him, this was an issue that was tied to some pretty traumatic things that happened in his childhood. And this was very important to him. So, you I just said, you need to have a discussion with your girlfriend and set a boundary. His girlfriend needed to understand what his line was, why it was there, like,

Kari Hoskins (14:17.848)
how it impacted him when she was constantly like moving his things and how he was gonna respond if she continued to do this, okay? Other areas would be how you talk to each other in private and in public. And also if there's anything, any topic that is significant to you where maybe your partner might make fun of it or put it down, especially again, like if that's in front of other people.

I had a client who'd been married for 35 years. And about 10 years ago, she changed religion and had different religious practices. And her husband did not understand it, wasn't totally supportive, which she was fine with, but he was consistently making fun of her new belief system in front of their friends. And so she and I discussed it and we set a boundary for her and for him.

around this topic so that they can continue to be happily married or semi happily married at that point. So I think that if you are truly interested in happier, healthier relationships, regardless of how long you've been together, then being able to talk about your boundaries, including what your response is going to be if they happen across that line again, I think that's really important. Okay.

Because in healthy relationships, couples openly talk about their boundaries and can often come to a compromise if the person on the receiving end of it doesn't understand it or doesn't agree with it. So setting boundaries can definitely help you because they can prevent bigger problems down the road in your relationship.

I do want to share just a couple of really quick things before we end here. And one of them is a little bit, I think, controversial. Here it is. I personally do not think that it is your partner's responsibility to respect your boundary. It is your responsibility to hold your boundary and follow through if it is violated. Your partner has a choice in whether or not to respect it. And you have a choice

Kari Hoskins (16:35.328)
and whether or not to continue in this relationship. I do consider it like a yellow or a warning flag if you have clearly set and kept your boundaries, but your partner continues to violate them. So they don't have a responsibility necessary to respect it, but if they continue to not respect it, I think that's a red flag that this may not be the best relationship for you.

because when your partner consistently violates your boundaries, it can be a sign of them not respecting your feelings, your desires, or your needs. It's also a sign that they're putting their own needs and desires above yours at your expense. Another yellow flag around this would be if you feel like you need this whole laundry list of boundaries.

in order for you to feel safe in your relationship, respected or valued. If you feel like you need like 10 or 15 lines in the sand, then again, I'd venture to say this is not the healthiest relationship for you or you're just not that compatible, okay? Because in most relationships, your partner wants you to feel valued and wants your needs to be met and...

wants you to feel safe and respected and you for them as well, right? So in most cases, once you've set up boundary, it shouldn't take that many times for the boundary to be held. Okay, so going into 2025, I just want to encourage you to take a look at your relationship. Are there any areas where you are feeling consistently disrespected, taken advantage of? Are you feeling resentful or just simply un-

happy. What would a boundary around that area look like? What would your line be? What would your action be if they cross that line again? These are the things I want you to consider. Deciding on what boundaries are needed, how to set them, and how to communicate with your partner about them can be tricky and uncomfortable for a lot of people. So if this is something that you think you want help navigating, would

Kari Hoskins (18:57.548)
suggest that you go check out my website. It's kahoskins.com. I offer one-on-one coaching as well as couples coaching, and I can definitely help you navigate boundaries and boundary settings. Descriptions along with the pricing for all of my coaching packages is all right there for you. And you can also contact me by setting up a consultation.

or I do like have a little button that says contact me if you want to shoot me an email. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today and I hope that you join me next week.